“What is it about death that troubles me so much? Perhaps it’s the duration of existence. While some argue the soul is eternal and continues after the physical body ceases to exist, I can’t help but worry that my spirit will be left wearing ill-fitting clothes. Oh, well…” — Inspired by Woody Allen
You might assume that I would have been more equipped to handle my 8-year-old son Oliver’s first serious existential realization. I am proficient in worrying, particularly about mortality. Since watching a poignant film about life and death at a young age, I have honed the skill of glancing around, hoping not to encounter Death waiting just out of sight. I’ve always felt its presence, tapping its foot, checking the time as I navigated key life events, like graduations and tests.
Becoming a parent didn’t lessen my anxiety. Instead, it escalated it. I became the chief of worry, constantly on alert for the safety of my two vulnerable children. I recognized potential dangers everywhere but kept my fears mostly to myself, wishing for them to develop their own worries rather than inherit mine.
On that particular evening, Oliver, his younger sister Mia, and I were visiting friends in California while my husband stayed back in New York. After an exhausting week filled with a family reunion and a day at Disneyland, we were finally settled. It was past bedtime. Mia was sleeping soundly on the sofa bed while I attempted to catch up with an old friend. I thought Oliver was tucked in beside her, but the sound of his bare feet on the wooden floor indicated otherwise.
“Mom, I can’t sleep,” he declared.
“Oliver, you haven’t even tried,” I responded.
“Yes, I have! I just can’t.”
“You’ve been in bed for five minutes; that doesn’t count as trying. That’s just waiting to get up again,” I said firmly.
“But Mom—”
“Back to bed.”
His protests faded as he returned to the room, but a few minutes later, he was back, then again, and again—each time pacing the hallway like a restless animal. Frustrated, I excused myself from the conversation and went to confront him.
When I entered the room, Oliver sat upright, looking troubled. His expression mirrored that of someone burdened with a weight far too heavy for his young shoulders. I took a deep breath, squeezed next to him, and softly said, “What’s the matter, buddy?”
Before diving into our conversation, it’s important to note that Oliver has always been thoughtful beyond his years. He learned to read early, has faced serious health issues, and has dealt with loss—experiences that have shaped his understanding of life and death far sooner than most children.
At four, he faced the loss of his grandfather, and only two years later, I had to explain the impending death of his beloved grandmother due to a terminal illness. His responses were honest and straightforward, like asking what happened to their bodies and attempting to grasp the concept of cremation. Through it all, he processed these events with a wisdom that left me in awe.
That night, as I awaited Oliver’s concerns, I expected typical childhood worries. Instead, he hesitated, finally admitting, “I’m just really upset that one day everyone I love has to die.”
His revelation caught me off guard. I couldn’t help but laugh, perhaps a little too heartily, before realizing he was serious and nodding in affirmation. I pulled him close, embracing him tightly and acknowledging the truth of his statement. “You’re right, everyone we love will eventually pass away,” I affirmed. “It’s a sad reality, but it makes our time together even more precious. We should cherish each moment, have fun, and love each other deeply.”
As I wrapped my arms around him, I reflected on my own fears, recognizing that while I worried about improbable dangers, he was grappling with the one certainty of life: separation through death.
After a few moments of quiet, I encouraged him to get some rest. I nestled beside him as he drifted off to sleep, contemplating the weight of our conversation.
In conclusion, parenting often leads us to confront profound truths alongside our children. It’s essential to embrace these discussions about mortality, no matter how uncomfortable they may be. To read more about navigating complex topics around pregnancy and home insemination, consider visiting resources like MedlinePlus or this insightful blog post.
If you’re exploring ways to expand your family, check out products from Make A Mom, recognized authorities in home insemination kits.