There exists a common misconception about relationships: that not rewarding negative behavior will lead to its cessation. Statements like “Don’t give in to your toddler’s tantrums!” or “Don’t pretend to enjoy intimacy with an unskilled partner!” provide comfort to those navigating the complexities of relationships. When we are young or new to a partnership, we often hold onto the belief that by exercising the right mix of guidance and discipline, we can eliminate imperfections and smooth out the relational road ahead.
However, this notion is misleading. Some partners may not be capable of meeting our needs, certain family members may wield guilt irrespective of our choices, and toddlers will inevitably have meltdowns. While there are valid reasons to set boundaries, it’s essential to recognize that some behaviors are unlikely to change, regardless of our efforts.
Perhaps we cling to this myth to shield ourselves from recognizing our own shortcomings. I remember in elementary school, I would often forget signed permission slips at home, missing valuable school trips. I would tell myself that next time would be different, yet recently I unearthed a pile of thank-you notes I had written, addressed, and stamped five years ago but never sent.
Below is an A to Z inventory of other areas where I continue to falter, despite my numerous attempts to improve and the inevitable consequences that stem from my oversights.
- Anything related to scheduling
- Birthday cards—purchasing
- Conferences, Parent-Teacher meetings, 8th-grade events—attending (despite planning extensively)
- Doctor appointments—attending
- Various ball sports
- Fall outerwear—purchasing
- Grocery shopping—creating lists
- Hair—maintaining
- Insurance companies—navigating
- Simply making appointments without stress
- Kids’ social events—organizing
- Long-grain rice—cooking without burning (even with a rice cooker)
- Moisturizing—remembering to do it
- Not spilling liquids
- Oral instructions—giving and following
- Period—anticipating its arrival
- Quick recall of names
- Routines—adhering to and adapting
- Shoes—wearing (e.g., I once went to my parents’ house overnight, only to leave barefoot in midtown Manhattan)
- Turning off utilities
- Umbrella—bringing and returning
- Voicemail—checking
- Weather—assessing before leaving home
- Tax forms—managing (The night before closing on our new home, I panicked about a missing Real Estate Transfer Tax form, only to find it in my teaching materials.)
In essence, there’s a universal truth: no one excels at everything, even with diligent effort and well-placed motivations. While we may understand this concept, true maturity might be recognizing our limitations without conflating them with our overall competence. In my younger years, I believed that by the time I reached my forties, I would have everything sorted out. Now, I realize that my journey simply doesn’t include mastering certain mundane tasks.
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This article was originally published on April 27, 2015 and has been updated to reflect ongoing insights.
Summary:
In this reflective piece, Dr. Ava Thompson shares a humorous and honest A to Z list of personal shortcomings she continues to face in her forties, emphasizing the idea that some behaviors and tasks may never improve, regardless of effort. The piece challenges the myth that we can change others or ourselves completely, advocating for acceptance of our flaws.