During my pregnancy with my second child, I became fixated on finding the perfect double stroller. Rather than relying on the wisdom I had gained from my first two years as a mother, I plunged into an obsessive search. My definition of “perfect” was quite specific. I envisioned a stroller that was not only sturdy and smooth for long walks but also lightweight enough to lift in and out of the car without immense effort. It needed to have a reliable cup holder, adjustable handles, an easy-access storage basket, quality wheels, and a price tag that wouldn’t rival a week-long vacation in Fiji. I had successfully avoided the extravagant Bugaboo with my first child, and I was determined not to fall for the allure of the luxury stroller as a second-time mom.
Of course, the elusive perfect double stroller did not exist. I was aware of this with single strollers but chose to ignore that reality. Many of my friends expressed dissatisfaction with their choices; the basket was flimsy, the wheels were too large to fit in their trunks, and the folding mechanism required advanced engineering skills. Nevertheless, they managed to move on with their lives.
Despite this knowledge, I wasted countless hours poring over online reviews of double strollers, an indulgent and time-consuming pursuit. Ultimately, we acquired two double strollers: a heavier, bulkier one for strolls, purchased from friends, and a lightweight, economical model for the car. While both are functional, they are far from perfect, just like our two single strollers designed for different uses. Yes, we own four strollers, which might seem excessive, but we welcomed two more children afterward, and all four strollers have since seen better days.
Rest assured, I have nothing further to say about strollers. I’ve come to realize that my intense focus during that time wasn’t truly about the strollers themselves.
As time has passed, I’ve recognized that my obsession with finding the ideal stroller was a reflection of my desire to exert control over the significant changes happening in my life. Transitioning from one child to two created anxiety; I hardly felt competent with one child, so how could I manage two?
Upon deeper reflection, I realized my fixation stemmed from feelings of loneliness and boredom. After my first child was born, I left my teaching job, and I wasn’t yet engaged in writing. My social and spiritual life was not as fulfilling as it is now, nor did I possess the confidence that my children needed a mom who was simply present and involved, rather than a seemingly perfect one preoccupied with finding the right stroller, winter jacket, or nursery decor. I was overemphasizing trivial matters, believing that acquiring the right stroller or anything else would significantly impact our lives. I had lost sight of what truly mattered and vowed never to let that happen again.
I now experience fewer of what I call “stroller moments,” a term my husband and I use to describe when I drift from rational decision-making into unnecessary obsession. We have developed various code words to trigger moments of self-awareness, which serve as a useful tool for avoiding mental pitfalls.
Currently, my stroller moments more often revolve around friendships, family dynamics, or developments in my writing career, yet the underlying issue remains a false sense of control. For instance, I might find myself questioning why a certain cousin is upset with me or wondering why an editor hasn’t replied to my email. “Is this the double stroller all over again?” I might ask my husband, and I can see from his expression that it often is.
Someday, I will likely teach my children their own code words. However, at their young ages and, gratefully, in good health, they deserve to enjoy their innocence for a bit longer.
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Summary
In this reflection, the author shares her obsessive quest for the perfect double stroller during her second pregnancy, ultimately realizing that her fixation was about controlling the anxiety of impending changes in her life. The narrative highlights the importance of perspective, engaging with one’s children, and recognizing when trivial matters consume too much mental energy. The author also discusses the usefulness of developing self-awareness strategies to combat needless worry.