When you first discover you’re pregnant, one of the first things you might realize is just how uneventful the first trimester can be. After the initial thrill of seeing that positive test result, sharing the news with loved ones, and stocking up on parenting books, you find yourself in a waiting game for ultrasounds and noticeable physical changes. So, what’s the next logical step? Download a pregnancy tracker app, of course. (Because who wouldn’t want to compare their developing baby to various fruits and vegetables?) These apps are helpful for daily reminders that you’re still pregnant, but they don’t always tell the whole truth. If they did, here’s how they might sound:
Week 4:
Congratulations! Now that you’re aware of your pregnancy, prepare for what feels like an eternity ahead. Yes, you’re in for a marathon of nearly 10 months. Hope you’re ready for the ride!
Week 6:
That so-called pregnancy glow? It’s as elusive as a solar eclipse. You might be more familiar with the sheen of oil on your face as you revert to your teenage years. But hey, at least your expanding bust might distract from the unexpected breakouts.
Week 9:
By now, you’ve likely realized that the $50 spent on those anti-nausea remedies could have easily gone toward a comforting stash of carbs that will do a much better job. So go ahead, indulge in those carbs while binge-watching your favorite late-night shows in your comfiest attire. You might not feel cute, but who cares?
Week 13:
If you’re trying to keep your pregnancy a secret at work, consider shutting your office door while you deal with morning sickness. You don’t want to give Annie from HR another reason to ask too many questions.
Week 16:
Now that your pregnancy is officially public knowledge, let your belly hang out and enjoy that extra Gordita. After all, it might help you transition to maternity clothing sooner, thus freeing you from those oversized tops.
Week 19:
That bizarre craving for a cheeseburger topped with Nutella and olives? Totally normal. Just make sure to stock up on Tums as well. And if you find yourself longing for veggies, well, just keep that to yourself.
Week 21:
Congrats on reaching the halfway mark! Just a reminder: pregnancy lasts 10 months, not nine. Don’t forget that as you try to absorb this information through the fog of pregnancy brain.
Week 24:
What have we learned this week? Faking wine is no substitute for the real thing.
Week 29:
Remember when every kick felt like pure magic? Yeah, those days are long gone.
Week 33:
Your baby now weighs about 4 pounds, while you’ve gained 4 pounds plus an extra 30. The math here is rather confusing.
Week 37:
As you rush to complete the nursery and pack your hospital bag, don’t forget that you could still be pregnant for another month. Sorry, no advice here—just commiseration.
Week 39:
While it may feel like your baby is trying to escape, rest assured that it’s a much more complex process than that.
Week 41:
Feel free to reach out to your friends who wagered on your due date and let them know how you feel about their predictions. It might give you a brief sense of relief, especially when you find comfort in your favorite ice cream.
After your baby arrives, you may be eager to uninstall the pregnancy tracker that has been reminding you of your lengthy journey. But now, you’ll want to download a baby tracker app instead. (After all, how else will you compare your little one to every other child out there?) You can thank us later when you’re not up at night Googling, “What’s normal for baby poop?”
For more insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this resource. And if you’re interested in the essentials for at-home insemination, visit this page.
In summary, pregnancy can be a wild ride filled with unexpected twists and turns, especially during the early weeks. Understanding the realities of each stage can help you prepare for what’s to come, making the journey a little less daunting.