Updated: August 27, 2020
Originally Published: April 15, 2015
You might assume that individuals of a certain age possess a comprehensive understanding of sexual intimacy, having navigated the intricacies of desire and the human body for years. However, this assumption is often misleading, as I discovered while exploring this delicate topic a few years ago. Although those of us in midlife tend to prioritize our own satisfaction over societal expectations—a positive shift—there remains a wealth of essential knowledge that many have yet to acquire, knowledge crucial for a fulfilling sexual experience.
Dr. Laura Thompson seeks to bridge this gap with her enlightening book, aiming to empower readers of all ages to reclaim their inherent pleasure. Her work is a vital resource that I encourage all my friends, their partners, and yes, you, to read without delay.
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life introduces actual scientific insights, a rarity in this genre. It’s not only easy to read but also offers comfort to couples grappling with a lack of intimacy in their relationships.
The central message of the book is clear and deserves emphasis: Nothing is wrong with you. You are completely normal.
You Don’t Actually Have a Sex Drive
Are you prepared for this? According to Thompson, the notion that we possess a spontaneous sex drive is a misconception. Many individuals, particularly women, do not experience desire in this manner. Instead of spontaneous arousal—triggered by thoughts or visual stimuli—many women find that touch acts as the primary catalyst for desire, a phenomenon Thompson terms “responsive desire.”
The conventional understanding of sexuality often leans heavily on the “spontaneous desire” model, which is disproportionately represented in men’s experiences. While many men can quickly activate their desire through erotic imagery or thoughts, a significant number of women require the right environment and physical contact to feel aroused.
The Dual-Control Model Revolutionizes Understanding
Another pivotal concept introduced is the “dual control model.” This framework posits that each person has both a sexual accelerator (Sexual Excitation System or SES) and a sexual brake (Sexual Inhibition System or SIS). This neurological setup influences our responsiveness to sexual cues. For some, the accelerator is more easily activated, while others may find their brakes more dominant. Recognizing when your brakes are engaged can provide insights into enhancing your sexual experiences.
Dr. Thompson encourages readers to actively “turn on the ons and turn off the offs,” which involves making adjustments to both behavior and context, something partners can tackle together for improved intimacy.
Key Insights from the Book
- Many women lack a comprehensive understanding of their anatomy. Dr. Thompson suggests using a mirror to explore your own body.
- “Arousal Nonconcordance” is a common occurrence where bodily and mental arousal do not align—this book delves into this topic thoroughly.
- The idea of a “pink pill” for women is unlikely to materialize because the issue isn’t dysfunction but rather a lack of knowledge about our desires.
- Ultimately, intimacy is less about specific actions and more about your emotional connection to those actions.
If you have been in a long-term relationship, are navigating parenthood, or are experiencing changes in your sexual desire due to age or other factors, Come As You Are is essential reading. Even if your sexual experiences are currently fulfilling, this book offers valuable insights to enhance your understanding.
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For further exploration, you might also find our post on intrauterine insemination helpful.
In summary, Dr. Thompson’s book is a critical tool for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of intimacy and sexual health, providing science-backed insights and practical advice that can transform your approach to desire and connection.