My mother and I no longer joke about Maplewood Assisted Living, but not because the idea of moving there has become more imminent. Rather, we both recognize that she will likely never find the peace needed to engage in a community life alongside her peers—her focus remains on caring for my sister.
Growing up, our household was filled with the melodic tunes of John Denver, particularly his Greatest Hits album. Whenever the overly sentimental “Grandma’s Feather Bed” played, my younger sister, Emily, would spring into a lively, albeit awkward, dance routine, reminiscent of a clog dance. The adults adored these spontaneous performances, exclaiming, “How adorable!” whenever Emily danced barefoot around the living room. Now in her 40s, she still captivates audiences at a local karaoke bar, where she spends her evenings indulging in smoking, drinking, and dancing. As the holiday season rolls around, her manic episodes related to her bipolar disorder become increasingly pronounced, prompting her need for movement.
At the age of 12, I was quite sheltered, with my mother keeping me engaged in violin lessons and church activities. I lacked a vibrant social life and had little insight into how other families operated. Although my mother is part of a family that has been in the United States for generations, I later recognized her protective nature as an echo of immigrant culture: “We understand each other; let’s stay close.”
One afternoon, I stumbled upon Emily banging her head against her bedpost, sobbing uncontrollably. “The animals!” she cried out, “They’re killing all the animals!” Confusion clouded my mind as I tried to comprehend the chaos. I turned to fetch our mother, but I was at a loss for words.
Mental illnesses often do not adhere to a predictable trajectory. The term “mental illness” encompasses a range of conditions—such as depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder—that frequently coexist with personality disorders like narcissism and borderline personality disorder. These disorders, unlike other illnesses, do not respond well to medication and require a commitment to therapy from those affected.
Over the years, I have gained significant insight into mental illness and personality disorders, as has my mother. She actively participates in National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) meetings and engages in research on coping mechanisms for families dealing with mental health issues. Despite her unwavering love and support for Emily, she also acknowledges the reality that her daughter, once a child, is now an adult. Meanwhile, Emily’s son, her grandson, remains a child in need of guidance.
My brother-in-law is another adult involved in this complex situation. He is a caring father but struggles to navigate the tumultuous waters of Emily’s mental health challenges. They recently filed for divorce but have postponed finalizing it to ensure Emily can maintain health insurance through his job. This arrangement is likely temporary, and a permanent divorce may occur in the coming years.
This leaves me as the individual who may have to assume responsibility in the event of my mother’s decline in health. It’s unproductive to ignore the possibility of such situations arising. I may not hold the legal title of Next of Kin, but within our small family, I am next in line.
Emily, now known as Emma, has transitioned from the lively child she was into a middle-aged woman grappling with serious mental health issues. As autumn arrives, her manic episodes often give way to depression, prompting her to compose heartfelt apologies and retreat into solitude during the holidays. My mother devotes most of her time to Emma and her family, becoming increasingly embedded in their lives.
With each spring, as new life emerges, so too does Emma’s next manic phase. I often wish my mother could be nurturing a garden at Maplewood Assisted Living, but instead, she tends to the emotional landscape of Emma’s life, hoping to cultivate a healthier environment.
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Summary:
Caring for a sibling with mental illness can be overwhelming and complex. As family dynamics shift, the responsibilities often fall to those who remain. Understanding mental health and seeking community support can be vital in navigating these challenges.