Updated: August 19, 2015 | Originally Published: March 27, 2015
The First Level:
The remnants of infancy, those toys bought with innocent optimism and excitement before the arrival of the baby. The “$42 for a squeaky toy? It’s still cheaper than a dinner date, right? Let’s go for it!” toys. Ah, those were the joyful early days, weren’t they? That pesky squeaky giraffe now mocks you from the towering pile of clutter.
The Second Level:
Safety first! We can’t let anything harmful near the baby! All toys must be crafted from organic wood, painted with natural dyes, and absolutely no branded characters shall invade our precious child’s mind.
The Third Level:
“HELLO, MY NAME IS ELMO! LET’S BE FRIENDS! LET’S SING! LET’S COUNT TO TWENTY! LET’S MAKE SURE THIS TOY IS LOUDER THAN A ’93 NIRVANA CONCERT, AND LET’S ENSURE THAT THE BATTERIES EXPLODE JUST ENOUGH TO FUSE THE ON/OFF SWITCH INTO A TOXIC MESS, MAKING ME UNTURN-OFFABLE!” HEE HEE HEEEEEE! ELMO LOVES FUN JUST AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE A PEACEFUL SHOWER.
The Fourth Level:
Someone at daycare mentioned the importance of fine motor skills, and now we’re all in. Let’s invest in giant building blocks and marble runs, motivated by problem-solving, only to find ourselves questioning why nothing stays together, and why we’re always crying. Never not crying?
The Fifth Level:
Superheroes, superheroes, oh my goodness, the endless superheroes.
The Sixth Level:
The government has decreed that your child is now mature enough not to ingest every bright plastic item they encounter. Hooray! Unfortunately, they will not cover the cost of a new vacuum after your trusty Dirt Devil swallows an avalanche of Lego hair.
The Seventh Level:
Sunshine is wonderful, isn’t it? Imagine creating art with chalk, chasing bubbles, and launching foam rockets at the neighbors’ windows! Sounds fun, right? NOW GET OUTSIDE. DO NOT BRING THE ROCKET BACK INSIDE. PLEASE LEAVE THE HOUSE.
The Eighth Level:
This is the “Let’s Spend More Quality Time Together” circle. The “I’m Sorry You Hurt Yourself Jumping from the Geodesic Dome” circle. The realm of older children where we ponder, “How can we possibly entertain ourselves without acquiring more clutter?” It’s the zone of cooking toys. Doesn’t chopping pretend tomatoes for dinner sound delightful? Surely, it does! And who wouldn’t want to use this child-friendly peeler for potatoes? It’s the circle of parents everywhere, yearning for a moment of peace, longing for someone else to take over dinner duty, and wishing for just thirty minutes on the treadmill. Quiet weeping.
The Ninth Level:
Nothing costs less than $200. Nothing at all. Except for accessories. Then you find yourself thinking, “$42 for a case or bag? I guess that’s reasonable compared to a dinner out, but it only covers a couple of hours of babysitting. By the time I factor in parking, cocktails, and dinner… wow, $200 is a BARGAIN.”
For more insightful tips on parenting and home insemination, check out this resource or visit this post for additional guidance on the subject. If you’re considering home insemination, this link will provide you with useful information.
Summary:
This article humorously navigates the nine levels of toy overload that parents encounter, from the hopeful purchases made before the child’s arrival to the overwhelming costs associated with maintaining a toy-filled environment. It highlights the various stages of parenting, the emotional rollercoaster of toy selection, and the financial implications tied to these choices, all while weaving in relatable parenting experiences.