As the new year began, I chose to focus on self-improvement rather than making typical New Year’s resolutions. One critical area I identified was to enhance my parenting skills. I have often felt a sense of shame about the way I communicate with my children. While I excel in teaching them essential life skills—like social manners, the importance of hard work, and even how to operate the lawnmower—there are moments when my frustration takes over.
I find myself losing patience when they fail to follow through on daily tasks, which often include reminders like:
- Did you brush your teeth?
- Is your bed made?
- Have you hung up your backpack?
- Did you put away your dirty dishes?
I can only imagine how weary they are of my constant reminders, as I often feel drained from repeating myself. Yet, I justify my outbursts by thinking, “After all, I asked nicely multiple times, so they should know better.” I wonder why I keep expecting different outcomes while engaging in the same nagging cycle. Why can’t they just complete these tasks without me needing to repeat them endlessly?
In reflecting on my behavior, I realize that what I’m doing is not effective parenting; it’s shaming. My true self yearns to be a loving and compassionate mother who nurtures my children, forgives them, and leads by example. Instead of fostering strong familial bonds, I fear I may be creating distance between us.
How can I expect to cultivate a healthy relationship with my children when I resort to shame? Effective parenting should not involve shaming kids into compliance; rather, it should be grounded in unconditional love, regardless of their actions or inactions.
As I navigate my own insecurities, I recognize that many parents, including myself, replicate the behaviors we experienced in our upbringing. A compelling article in Psychology Today refers to this as “a legacy of distorted love.” Additionally, Brené Brown highlights this issue in her book, Daring Greatly, emphasizing the connection between vulnerability and shame: “Often, not being good at vulnerability means we’re damn good at shame.”
It’s amusing how I can be openly vulnerable in my writing—like in this piece—yet struggle to show vulnerability as a parent. I feel the pressure to have all the answers and to guide my children seamlessly through life. My error has not been striving for perfection in motherhood, but rather in not demonstrating my own imperfections and vulnerabilities.
When my children encounter difficulties, I mistakenly perceive their struggles as my failures. Instead of using these moments as opportunities for discussion and learning, I often respond with shame, which only exacerbates my feelings of inadequacy. This cycle not only impacts my children’s self-esteem but also undermines valuable life lessons.
I often find myself reflecting on the aftermath of these shame-filled moments, grappling with guilt over the potential long-term effects on my children. Questions swirl in my mind: What if I’ve caused irreparable harm? What if they grow up feeling unworthy? What if they resent me for it?
I am slowly learning that my past does not define my present. Brené Brown advises us to “Own the story. Don’t bury it and let it fester or define me…If you own this story, you get to write the ending.” So here I am, determined to craft a new narrative:
- Because I care for my children, I will teach them independence by living courageously according to my values.
- Because I love my children, I will inspire them to dream big by following my passions.
- Because I cherish my children, I will model strong relationships by embracing vulnerability.
- Because I adore my children, I will demonstrate the value of hard work through shared chores and embracing failure.
- Because I treasure my children, I will practice gratitude to foster a mindset of abundance.
- Because I celebrate my children, I will encourage them to recognize the beauty in their imperfections by sharing my own story.
- Because I want to be a better mother, I will respect their individuality and approach parenting with love, not shame.
I eagerly anticipate the calm that follows this emotional storm.
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In summary, my journey toward improved communication with my children involves recognizing and addressing my tendencies to shame instead of nurture. By embracing vulnerability and modeling imperfection, I can foster a healthier relationship with my children, paving the way for their emotional well-being and growth.