As a child, the film landscape was straightforward: family-oriented movies typically held a G rating, indicating they were “good” or “grandma-approved.” PG ratings suggested mild language or a glimpse of skin, while R ratings signaled more adult content. However, in today’s cinematic environment, G ratings are nearly extinct, and PG ratings leave parents with scant guidance regarding their children’s viewing choices.
It’s high time we developed a more practical rating system for kids’ films. Below are some proposed ratings that could prove more beneficial for parents.
ML—Mother Lives
How often do we see Disney films brutally eliminate a parent within the first act? This new ML rating indicates that a mother—or, in a rare twist, a father—will endure until the credits roll. This assurance prevents your little ones from spiraling into existential dread about mortality.
ST—Spinal Tap
Expect a movie where the sound effects and music crank up to an overwhelming level. Prepare to safeguard your ears with earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones.
EM—Explicit Merchandising
This rating signifies that the film is accompanied by an avalanche of merchandise: from video games to t-shirts and beyond. If you’ve just redecorated your child’s room with “Toy Story” decor, you might want to think twice before diving into this new release to avoid revamping their room yet again.
VS—Viral Song
This rating warns that the film’s soundtrack has the potential to spawn the next catchy anthem that could plague your life—think along the lines of “Let It Go.” Be forewarned that certain catchy tunes may stick in your head long after the credits roll.
BBT—Bird and Bees Talk
This rating alerts parents that the film may raise questions about where babies come from. If your child still believes in storks and magic, they might be in for a surprise.
O-12—Obnoxious 12-Year-Old
If the film features a character reminiscent of Bart Simpson or any other annoying pre-teen, brace yourself for endless catchphrases and potentially reckless behavior that your child might be tempted to mimic.
CP—Creepy Puppets
Films featuring puppets that evoke a sense of unease can lead to nightmares. If your child is prone to fear from animated figures, this rating is essential.
NTON—Not Tatum O’Neal
This rating serves as a reminder that remakes often don’t capture the charm of the originals. For instance, the classic “Bad News Bears” is transformed in ways that may not resonate with today’s audiences, despite modern stars.
In conclusion, implementing these new ratings could help guide parents in selecting appropriate films for their children, ultimately making movie night less stressful and more enjoyable. For more insights on family-friendly content, visit this blog post or check out Make a Mom’s resources for comprehensive advice on parenting. Additionally, for those looking into pregnancy options, Hopkins Medicine provides excellent information on fertility services.