In a recent discussion, fashion designers, known for their bold statements, referred to children conceived through IVF by same-sex couples as “synthetic.” While I may not be an expert in reproductive technologies like these designers, I can provide insights into how one might distinguish synthetic children from their biological counterparts.
1. Commanded Sleep Patterns
Synthetic children exhibit an uncanny ability to sleep on command. They remain peacefully in bed until an alarm signals the start of the day, unlike biological children who often negotiate for “just one more story” or a drink of water, frequently disrupting sleep patterns.
2. Absence of Bodily Fluids
Biological children are notorious for their production of various bodily fluids—urine, vomit, and mucus are common occurrences. In contrast, a synthetic child is remarkably devoid of such messes, making them a rare breed indeed.
3. Unusual Dietary Preferences
A simple test for identifying a synthetic child involves offering them raw cruciferous vegetables, such as cauliflower or broccoli. A synthetic child would eagerly consume these foods without protest, while a biological child is more likely to demand ketchup or make exaggerated gagging sounds.
4. Orderly Behavior
Real children often leave chaos in their wake—sharp toys at the stairs or colorful scribbles on walls. Synthetic children, however, are characterized by their tendency to play quietly and tidy up after themselves, making them appear almost too good to be true.
5. Exemplary Conduct
Synthetic children do not throw tantrums in public spaces and willingly comply with parental requests, such as leaving the store without new toys. Their behavior is almost robotic in its adherence to social norms, unlike biological children who might express dissatisfaction vocally.
6. Dental Enthusiasm
A synthetic child displays an unusual love for oral hygiene, routinely asking about their last brushing and utilizing dental floss correctly instead of utilizing it for imaginative play. Unlike biological children, who often resist bedtime brushing, synthetic children embrace it.
Unless a child meets all the criteria for being synthetic, it is reasonable to assume that they are, in fact, biological children. Therefore, it is best to refrain from inquiring about the specifics of a child’s conception—such as IVF, IUI, or adoption—as the information is typically irrelevant to your engagement with the parent. They are likely preoccupied with the daily challenges of parenthood, including diaper changes and sleep negotiations.
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In summary, while the concept of synthetic children may seem far-fetched, understanding the typical behaviors of biological children can provide clarity. The distinctions drawn here highlight the unique challenges and realities of parenthood.