As you witnessed our family’s grand entrance into the bustling parking lot, it was impossible not to notice the spectacle we created while squeezing our stylish 15-passenger van between a sporty Miata and a compact Smart Car. You likely observed our attempts to disembark our crew with all the grace and organization we could muster, which took a staggering 23 minutes, before we finally made our way into Costco with seven children and three shopping carts in tow for our weekly haul.
You might have raised an eyebrow at the sight of one child wearing mismatched footwear—an open-toed sandal on one foot and a duct-taped rubber boot on the other. Another child was clad in pajama pants that were far too short, paired with a faded Thomas the Tank Engine shirt, due to his refusal to get dressed with his eyes open.
And then there was our toddler, dressed as if ready for a yacht party, while another was attired for a ski resort. The child in the cart, who was wailing, wasn’t protesting the shopping trip—rather, he was upset because we don’t permit him to shop at Costco in the nude.
You may have gazed upon our mobile circus with a mix of horror and confusion, questioning why we would choose to have SEVEN children. Seven is hardly a shocking number when you consider the context of other common household items. If I told you I had seven goldfish or seven pairs of shoes, you’d probably not even blink. But mentioning seven children seemed to elicit a reaction akin to suggesting you lasso a bald eagle for dinner.
Once we passed the entrance, we navigated through curious onlookers to fill our carts—sampling every food sample along the way. You may have felt a wave of disbelief as you watched our tall teenager in ragged cut-offs and a Seahawks jersey consume 14 samples of microwaveable beef Wellington in record time. This kid is the reason we indulge in the Costco experience. He’s the reason we upgraded to an EXECUTIVE Membership after a cashier pointed out that our spending exceeded that of the average family. Known affectionately as The Very Hungry Teenager, he can devour an entire meal and then ask, “Are you going to finish that?” as if it’s a completely normal question.
We have formed an unbreakable bond with Costco, much like how gravity keeps a rock grounded. We spend so much time there that we’ve become quite accustomed to the reactions of other shoppers, who are usually loaded down with frozen meals, snacks, and dietary supplements.
Engaging with fellow patrons about my family size in the cheese aisle has become almost second nature, so I’ve compiled a list of FAQs for your convenience, should you encounter us again or if you wish to be prepared with new questions next time.
FAQs
Q: Is the cute baby your last?
A: This year, yes.
Q: Why do you have so many kids?
A: It improves our chances of a comfortable nursing home.
Q: Do all your kids have the same dad?
A: Uh…so far…
Q: What’s your monthly food budget?
A: How much is your mortgage?
Q: How will you afford their college tuition?
A: Bless your heart for assuming my kids could get into any school that doesn’t come with trained animals and clowns.
Q: Is it loud at your house?
A: I didn’t catch that. What did you say?
Q: Are you trying to be like that family on TV with nineteen kids?
A: Oh yes, because seven is just so close to nineteen!
Q: Why is that one taking off his clothes?
A: Don’t worry; he’ll stop when he realizes we’re buying mustard.
I trust that answers your burning questions.
Looking back, it’s likely you’ve repressed the chaos of our escapade at the checkout lane. Picture a twirling sister, a sprawled brother, runaway oranges, a Flop Tantrum, and a churro soaring through the air. Once we received the nod from St. Peter (the receipt-checking guardian), we made our way back to the van and headed home—much to your silent relief, I’m sure.
Now, as I sip my coffee and reflect on yet another Costco adventure, I extend an invitation for you to join us on our next outing. We always welcome new friends—though you’ll need to swear by chocolate milk that you won’t embarrass us by dressing like a typical shopper. Your attire must be fit for either a yacht party, a sleepover, or a ski retreat.
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In summary, our family embodies a unique blend of chaos and camaraderie, with each shopping trip at Costco revealing the joys and challenges of having a large family. We thrive on the curiosity of others, and we embrace every questioning glance as part of our adventure in parenthood.