As I indulged in my traditional February treat of an entire box of Girl Scout Thin Mints paired with a glass of Pinot Noir, I suddenly realized a key component was missing from my routine—the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Issue. I toyed with the idea of skipping it this year, especially after last year’s rather aggressive feedback, including some rather colorful insults. Ultimately, I thought, why not? A little controversy adds spice to life!
Allow me to present my reimagined 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide… and no need to purchase one; I can whip it up myself. I’ll just borrow my grandmother’s old kitchen curtains and a pair of her worn mesh footies. Where’s my sewing machine? Oh right, I don’t sew. So, you’re on your own for that.
Now, can someone assist with the shoulder straps? It seems one shoulder is getting all the attention while the other is neglected. Who needs balance when you can live life on the edge?
Behold this unique creation, a hybrid of a one-piece and two-piece bathing suit, with a hint of unexpected flair.
Time to channel your inner cowboy! Nothing exudes sophistication quite like fringe around the bust line. I like to call these “Play Dough Squish,” as that’s what my hips might resemble bursting through those side straps—like mini hot dogs! Don’t forget the ketchup.
For those who appreciate a little modesty but still want to keep it cheeky, here’s the ideal choice for you. Just a heads up, sand in uncomfortable places is never pleasant. I can only imagine how well-exfoliated her skin must be, or maybe even in need of some medical attention due to irritation. That hair and sand combo on her back is enough to make anyone itchy!
“Ah, these rocks look inviting. I think I’ll take a little snooze here,” said no one ever. Knowing my luck, I would end up with one side of me exposed and probably topple into the water behind. Or worse, I might get swept away by that massive wave looming in the background.
Are you planning to lounge in that hammock, or are you just here to look pretty? Please, step aside so I can get comfortable. And since you’re standing, would you mind fetching me a vodka on the rocks?
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In conclusion, this humorous take on swimwear serves as a reminder that while fashion can be entertaining, it’s important to prioritize comfort and self-acceptance. Whether you’re lounging by the pool or navigating the intricacies of home insemination, remember that a little laughter goes a long way.