Recently, my partner Jason returned home from work, excitedly sharing details about a case he’s working on. The Ninth Circuit had granted his client’s petition for reconsideration, which meant he would travel to San Francisco to present his arguments before eleven judges. Quite the thrilling day for him! When he asked about my own day, I replied, “I had a productive day. I managed to do three loads of laundry, took our son Leo to speech therapy, baked cookies, and gave our baby a bath…”
Lately, I’ve been feeling increasingly disheartened by the repetitive nature of my daily routine. I know I shouldn’t voice these feelings, especially as a stay-at-home mom. Society expects me to celebrate the joys of being a homemaker and to share my experiences as a “mommy blogger.” Instead, I find myself feeling more like a servant, constantly catering to everyone’s needs while often receiving complaints about my efforts. My role has become one of servitude, where I listen but feel unheard.
Am I sounding resentful? Perhaps I am.
On one hand, I genuinely feel grateful to be able to stay home with my children. I recognize that not everyone has that privilege, especially during times when I couldn’t afford to do so. However, I can’t shake off the doubt about the choices I’ve made and whether they were truly wise.
I recently read Why Have Kids by Jessica Valenti, and it struck a chord with me. The book argues that motherhood often falls short of its glorified image. Can I get an Amen? It’s not all sunshine and rainbows; it’s a lot of routine and struggle. Sure, there are moments of joy, but they are infrequent and often overshadowed by the daily grind. The fulfillment of raising children seems to come only when they grow up to be responsible adults, but even then, their outcomes are largely out of our control. If they turn out poorly, do we bear the blame?
Valenti also discusses how society has led mothers to believe that raising children is the most important job, suggesting that this belief serves a patriarchal agenda to keep women at home. Even the emphasis on breastfeeding can be seen as a mechanism to bind women to domesticity. While I have always advocated for breastfeeding, it’s worth noting that formula was developed to empower women, granting them more freedom. Yet, society still makes it challenging for mothers to breastfeed in public, particularly in workplaces.
Is motherhood really the most important job? It feels akin to saying, “Keeping this house, which I chose to build, is the most significant job in the world.” I’m merely raising children that I chose to have; I’m not doing society any favors. Yes, one of my kids might grow up to achieve greatness, and I could take pride in that, but let’s be honest—the majority of children will lead average lives without leaving a monumental impact.
And honestly, is doing laundry really the peak of my capabilities? Am I impressing anyone with my cookie-baking or baby-bathing skills? Motherhood often highlights my shortcomings rather than utilizing my talents.
These thoughts have been swirling in my mind for quite some time. It’s challenging to express these feelings without coming across as ungrateful or unloving. I adore my children; they mean the world to me. And therein lies my struggle: they are my entire world.
What happened to my identity? Who am I beyond being a mother? I never imagined that embracing this role would mean losing myself. I sometimes wonder if I should have had fewer children or maintained a part-time job to preserve some independence. I’ve sacrificed my financial autonomy, a choice I vowed never to repeat after my first husband’s passing. I’ve been out of the workforce for a decade, and the thought of re-entering it in my 50s is daunting.
It’s not just about finances. What message am I sending to my daughters about independence? I worry that I might not be the best role model for them, and perhaps everyone in this house would appreciate me more if I weren’t always at their beck and call.
The truth is, the notion that women can have it all is a fallacy. If you choose to stay home to raise children, you often relinquish independence and earning potential while possibly losing sight of who you are. If you opt to work outside the home, you face a relentless balancing act, often without the necessary support to thrive in either role.
So here I am, feeling trapped. I can’t be the only one feeling this way, right?
For more insights on navigating these challenges, consider exploring this blog post as well as resources on artificial insemination if you’re interested in the broader context of parenting choices.
Summary:
The article explores the challenges and realities of motherhood, emphasizing the often unrecognized struggles that come with the role. It questions the societal narrative that glorifies motherhood as the most important job and discusses personal feelings of loss of identity and independence. Through reflection, the author grapples with the implications of her choices and the myth of having it all, ultimately recognizing the sacrifices involved in parenting.