Recently, I’ve stumbled upon numerous articles titled “5 Ways to Please Your Man.” Instead of feeling motivated, these suggestions often leave me shaking my head. Here’s a humorous take on how these ideas might play out in real life.
Suggestion #1: Welcome Him Home in an Apron and Heels
What they say: Greet him at the door in a stylish apron and high heels as he returns from work.
What really happens: After putting the kids to bed early, you rummage through your closet. The only apron you find reads, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating,” which feels fitting. You haven’t slipped on heels since before becoming a parent, but you awkwardly dig through storage, only to be interrupted by your curious four-year-old who exclaims, “Eww! Mom’s in her underwear!” When your partner finally arrives, he finds you on the couch, exhausted, with a bag of chips resting on your stomach.
Suggestion #2: Surprise Him at Work in a Trench Coat
What they say: Show up at his workplace wearing nothing but a trench coat and high heels for a spontaneous rendezvous.
What really happens: As you step out the door, your 20-year-old babysitter and 65-year-old neighbor give you puzzled looks. Your kids join in, asking to dress up too. Upon arriving at his office, the security guard insists on checking your bag, leaving you blushing and racing back to the car.
Suggestion #3: Send a Seductive Selfie
What they say: Snap a sexy selfie and send it to him, with bonus points for risqué content.
What really happens: After a quick Google search about the permanence of text messages, you lock yourself in the bathroom, trying to master a sultry pose while dodging your children banging on the door. In the end, you decide to avoid including your face entirely. Hours later, he responds: “Did little Timmy get another scrape? It looks bad.”
Suggestion #4: Express Your Admiration
What they say: Sit on his lap, gaze into his eyes, and declare him your hero.
What really happens: Attempting to sit on his lap, he shifts further away. You finally say, “I’m trying to sit on your lap!” to which he replies, “Why? We have plenty of space!” Your two-year-old then claims his lap, and amidst the chaos, you lean over and whisper, “You’re my hero.” He responds with a distracted, “What?” as he switches the channel to a superhero cartoon.
Suggestion #5: Share a Secret Over Dinner
What they say: Make a reservation at his favorite restaurant and casually mention you’re not wearing any underwear during the meal.
What really happens: You ponder over what constitutes his favorite place—perhaps the local pizza joint or a fast-food spot with a play area. Halfway through the meal, you lean in and whisper your secret, only for him to point out the spinach stuck in your teeth and ask, “Are we short on clean laundry?” After a glass or two of wine, you both end the night with a comfortable slumber, playing the part of cozy pajamas, not daring to go commando.
For more relatable insights on parenting and relationships, check out this blog post. It’s important to remember that maintaining a connection in a relationship can take a different form. If you’re looking for ways to enhance your journey into parenthood, consider reading about how to improve fertility with these supplements, which are key for those exploring insemination options. Additionally, CCRM IVF provides excellent resources for those embarking on the journey of pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This lighthearted take on “5 Ways to Please Your Man” reveals the humorous realities that often clash with idealized romantic gestures. Through relatable anecdotes, it highlights the challenges and chaos of balancing parenthood and intimacy, reminding us that true connection comes in many forms.