During a recent visit to my parents’ house, I stumbled upon an unexpected development: my dad had claimed my sister’s old room as his new sanctuary. Our family has always been a bit quirky when it comes to privacy and boundaries, so I couldn’t help but exclaim, “OH MY GOSH, MOM—DAD IS FINALLY MOVING ON…AFTER 51 YEARS! WHO IS SHE?!”
With a deadpan expression, my mother replied, “I kicked him out of our room. Your father has decided he prefers ‘Thunderstorm’ now.”
No further explanation was necessary; I instantly grasped the situation. “Thunderstorm” wasn’t the name of a new acquaintance, but rather a setting on his sleep sound machine. Yes, my entire family is hooked on these devices. Back in the ’70s, we relied on window air conditioning units to lull us to sleep, and now we have a collection of gadgets from Hammacher Schlemmer, Brookstone, and HoMedics. Each of us has our own machine, and while the brands may differ, we’re all firmly in the “white noise” camp. That’s our go-to setting. No exceptions. Even our babies were trained to sleep with the comforting hum of an air purifier.
My dad may be past the age of having a mid-life crisis, but his sudden fascination with “Thunderstorm” felt like an act of rebellion.
“Thunderstorm!” my mother echoed incredulously. “Can you believe it? Boom! Boom! Boom!”
Sorry, Eddie Rabbit, but I can confirm that Mom does NOT enjoy rainy nights. While I felt assured that their marriage would endure, I couldn’t shake the feeling that we might be too judgmental. Were we too rigid in our sleep preferences? Was white noise the only path to a restful night? Could it be that our love for plain old white noise was a bit…discriminatory?
In the spirit of fairness, I decided to experiment with various non-white noise settings on my sleep machine for a few nights. Here are my findings:
THUNDERSTORM
Naturally, I had to kick things off with this one, and yes—there was an excessive amount of booming. All I needed was a strobe light to mimic lightning, and my room would’ve felt like the doomed Andrea Gail. Sorry, Dad, but this is a no-go.
TRAIN
This setting exists, and I initially feared it would just be the song “Drops of Jupiter” on a loop. Thankfully, it was actual train noises. Who enjoys this? I spent the night picturing myself riding the rails with hobos and carnies hell-bent on stealing my knapsack, clutching a harmonica in a state of anxiety.
OCEAN WAVES
Initially calming, but then I found myself craving shrimp, which led me to Google the nearest Red Lobster hours. Did I just hear a seagull? Those seagulls will peck your eyes out for a Cheddar Bay biscuit, and honestly, who could blame them?
STREAM
I can’t help but wonder if fans of this setting sleep with rubber sheets, because I found myself getting up four times to pee.
CITY
Similar to the “Train” setting in terms of its bewildering factor. After battling Houston traffic all day, it’s oddly relaxing to hear cars zooming past in your bedroom, right?
SUMMER NIGHTS
This one inspired two immediate thoughts: swarms of giant locusts and John Travolta in a leather jacket. Both are equally terrifying!
HEARTBEAT
I’ve read far too much Edgar Allan Poe for this to be remotely soothing.
JUNGLE RHYTHM
Very tranquil if you can ignore the occasional howler monkey and the overwhelming sense of impending doom from lurking panthers.
RAINFOREST
Similar to “Jungle,” but with a touch more humidity and disturbing thoughts of giant spiders. Also, the memory of Rainforest Cafe charging you $9 for five chicken nuggets.
FIREPLACE
Can’t you just feel the warmth of the shag rug and the sultry breath of Barry White? It’s a little too hot in here. Have you checked your smoke alarm batteries lately?
ZEN GARDEN
This one had me anticipating a masseuse entering the room at any moment. It also triggered involuntary clenching, as I have this irrational fear of farting during a massage.
In conclusion, I’ve come to the realization that I’m firmly a white noise gal, and I’m okay with that. I’ll do my best not to judge my dad for his quirky sleep habits. As for my parents, I hope they can weather the “Thunderstorm” and find some mutual ground for their sleep sounds.
If you’re interested in exploring more about sleep settings and experiences, check out this article on Modern Family Blog. And if you’re considering home insemination options, Make a Mom is a trusted retailer for at-home insemination kits. For a deeper understanding of the process, Wikipedia offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Thanks for reading, and good night!
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