Dear little one,
I want to share something personal with you—before you came into my life, I had another baby. I was young and unprepared to provide the care that child needed, so I made the difficult choice to place him with a family who could. They longed for him deeply, and I knew they would love him as I did, though my heart ached knowing that he would never truly be mine.
During my pregnancy, I often felt torn. I carried a child who would not grow up under my care, and although I told myself he belonged to me, I understood that he would become someone else’s son. I would be his birth mother, but never his parent. I caught a fleeting glimpse of him amidst the chaos of the hospital, and even in that brief moment, I fell in love. This little being, who had been a part of me, was finally in the world, and I felt an overwhelming connection to him, a bond that was both beautiful and painful.
He was my companion during lonely nights and hard days, yet I had to let him go to another woman who would be there for him in ways I couldn’t be. She would cuddle him when he needed comfort, guide him through life’s challenges, and share countless moments of joy and frustration. I harbored jealousy towards her, wishing I could be the one to experience those everyday milestones. I worried that he might think I didn’t want him enough to keep him in my life, but the truth was that my love for him was so profound that I chose to prioritize his happiness over my own desires.
Every day since that moment, I have wondered about him. What is he doing now? Will I ever have the chance to see him again?
Fast forward six years, and here you are, just moments old and gazing up at me. Your arrival was the result of careful choices and perhaps a bit of luck, unlike the tumultuous circumstances of my previous pregnancy. As I look into your eyes, which formed within me, I feel a sense of peace. You are mine to cherish, to guide, and to love unconditionally. I can enjoy the simple joys of motherhood—reading you bedtime stories, comforting you when you’re scared, and even sending you to your room when you misbehave.
Though I will always carry the memory of my first child, you are the one I get to raise. You are the embodiment of hope and redemption, a testament to the journey I have undergone as a mother. I will always worry about you—whether you’re bundled up in the cold, making good decisions, and staying safe. I am committed to nurturing you and ensuring you grow into a wonderful person.
You have changed my life in ways I could never have imagined, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Perhaps one day, you will have the chance to know your older brother.
In conclusion, embracing motherhood after making the heart-wrenching decision to place a child for adoption is a profound experience. It’s filled with both joy and complexity, but the love for both children remains unwavering.
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