This morning, it happened—I lost my temper and, in a hushed yet frantic tone, shouted, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE?!” I hadn’t intended to react that way. Almost immediately after my outburst, a wave of guilt washed over me, as heavy as a doughnut on my waistline. The most frustrating part? My once peaceful haven was shattered.
Let’s rewind just 15 minutes. The kids were racing around the living room like tiny tornadoes. The smell of charred toast filled the air. The coffee maker had just chimed its triumphant alert, while my partner and I awkwardly maneuvered around each other in the kitchen, desperately trying to grab the cream, mugs, and spoons without colliding.
Before anyone else could assert themselves, I declared with authority that I was heading to the bathroom. I made sure to utilize my “Mom Voice” paired with the “I-Just-Woke-Up-So-Don’t-You-Dare-Mess-With-Me” glare, ensuring everyone understood I was not to be disturbed. Then, I swiftly turned and made my escape to the other end of the house.
Upon shutting the bathroom door behind me, I took a long sip of steaming coffee and let out a sigh of pure relief. At last, I was alone. It was peaceful. Just outside the door lay complete morning mayhem, but here I was in my own little sanctuary known as The Bathroom—where civilized beings know not to barge in.
However, this is not a civilized household. As I peeled off my yoga pants and damp t-shirt, rummaging through the linen closet for my favorite towel, I absentmindedly gulped my coffee like a ravenous lioness, because enjoying hot coffee is more precious than gold.
Barely two minutes into my moment of solitude, I spotted tiny fingers wiggling frantically beneath the door. Small, frantic voices began to bombard me with questions while I tried to remain silent. Perhaps if I stayed quiet, they wouldn’t realize I was there?
“Mommy? Are you peeing?…Are you pooping?! (laughter)
Mom? MOM?…MOOOMMMMMM! What are you doing in there?!”
I pondered whether my bewildered family thought some sort of clandestine activities were occurring in the family bathroom. This is likely what they imagined was happening every time I was alone in there:
- I am being kidnapped.
- My secret decoder ring is transmitting new commands.
- A dinosaur is about to devour me.
- I’m consuming all the chocolate in existence without sharing.
- I fell into the toilet.
- My back gave out, leaving me helpless on the floor.
- I forgot my location.
- I’m plotting the most notorious timeouts.
- I’m concealing the remote control.
- I’m executing my escape plan.
- Santa and the Tooth Fairy need my updates.
- I’m on the phone and, by nature’s law, must be interrupted.
- I’m in contact with the Mother Ship.
- My feet are transforming into flippers for swimming in the tub.
- I’m inspecting their toothbrushes to verify they brushed.
- I’m strategizing revenge against everyone in the house.
- I’m flushing race cars down the toilet.
- The shower has transformed into a giant squirt gun.
- An octopus is teaching me French.
- I’m hiding everything.
So there I sat, reading a book, sipping my coffee, and taking care of business. In my mind, I was already anticipating a future that involved washing my hair with floral-scented shampoo when suddenly, the door swung open.
My spouse casually entered, exclaiming, “Hey, Sweetie, have you seen my blankety-blank-blank?!” At least, that’s what I heard right before two small children burst through the door. One child wanted a hug, the other wanted to pull my hair and chew on my slipper.
That was the moment I realized I would never again enjoy a moment of solitude in the bathroom. I waved my “Mommy Freak Flag” and accepted the universal truth: moms simply cannot get bathroom time alone. For more insights into parenting and life’s little challenges, check out this blog post on home insemination.
In summary, motherhood often feels like a chaotic whirlwind where personal space is a luxury. The reality is, just when you think you can catch your breath, interruptions abound, making even the simplest tasks a challenge. Seeking more guidance on family planning? Visit Make a Mom for expert resources. For a comprehensive understanding of fertility and pregnancy, Medical News Today is an excellent source.