Today, I made a heartfelt wish. I longed for just one day where I could view myself through the lens of others. My partner often tells me I’m a wonderful spouse and parent, yet I can only see the disarray and chaos surrounding me. Friends describe me as nurturing and empathetic, but I constantly feel the urge to do more and be more for them. My children may view me as enjoyable and fun, but I often notice them rushing to their father the moment he walks through the door.
Perfection seems like a distant dream. I am acutely aware of my daily appearance, which feels disheveled at best. My makeup is often absent, and I find myself recycling the same clothes. The jeans I wear have sagged with time; they bear witness to my struggles with self-image. My bag is cluttered with unnecessary items, while my calendar is filled with forgotten commitments. My thoughts scatter in a million directions, leaving me paralyzed and unable to accomplish anything meaningful. And my hair—let’s not even delve into that. I color it an array of vibrant shades just to mask its unruliness. With lupus complicating things further, it feels like a chaotic mess.
I’ve reached a point where I no longer try to conceal my imperfections. I skip the fancy outfits and have abandoned makeup altogether. I joke about my lack of organization by saying things like, “Of course I’m not together!” or “Hey, I’m just grateful my kids are fed and we’re nearly on time!” My life often resembles a clumsy trip over a sidewalk crack, where instead of regaining my balance, I exaggerate the stumble to seem as if I’m rushing toward my goals.
This constant feeling of inadequacy is bruising to my self-esteem. Why do we tend to magnify our flaws while overlooking our strengths? Why are we perpetually striving for more and better? Why can’t we embrace our imperfections as part of our unique identity?
I’ve always been driven to excel in everything—this ambition has been part of me since childhood. I yearn to be the best, the smartest, the prettiest, and the healthiest. Yet, I often find myself feeling defeated. I become painfully aware of every imperfection and setback, and I feel the weight of my limitations. Despite the self-doubt that plagues me, I hear the affirmations from others: “You’re wonderful!” “You’re intelligent!” “You’re beautiful!” Unfortunately, I struggle to accept their kind words as truth.
For just one day, I wish to experience their perspective. I want to glance in the mirror and see beauty staring back at me. I want to engage in conversation and feel inherently smart. I want to accomplish something meaningful that eases someone else’s suffering. I crave a day where, after a challenging time with my kids, I don’t go to bed thinking, “I’ll do better tomorrow.” I wish for the moment my partner says, “You look beautiful,” to resonate as genuine rather than a mere attempt to earn brownie points. I yearn to believe my children when they declare, “You’re the best mom ever!” simply because I made them a grilled cheese sandwich, without allowing my mind to spiral into thoughts of my shortcomings as a mother.
For that one day, I just want to see myself through their eyes—imperfectly perfect, simply wonderful as I am. Perhaps tomorrow will be that day.
For further insights on navigating the journey of home insemination, you can explore this excellent resource. For those looking for at-home options, check out this in-depth guide. Finally, if you’re interested in more related content, visit this link here for additional posts.
Summary:
The author expresses a desire to see herself through the eyes of others, recognizing their affirmations but struggling with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. Through a heartfelt narrative, she reflects on her imperfections and the constant pursuit of perfection in various aspects of life. Ultimately, she longs for a single day of self-acceptance and validation from her loved ones.