By: Samantha Green
Updated: Sep. 14, 2023
Originally Published: Feb. 21, 2014
My daughter, Emily, is currently in 7th grade at a small private school where most of her classmates have been friends since kindergarten, and some even longer. While open bullying is uncommon, I’ve noticed that the subtle forms of teasing and undermining behavior are present, particularly among the girls.
At the start of the school year, Emily began sharing with me some of the remarks circulating in her class. These often sound like:
- “Why did you choose that outfit?”
- “What happened to your hair? Just, no.”
- “Is that a smell? You use deodorant, right? Gross.”
These comments are delivered in a derisive tone, easily overheard in various settings: before class begins, in hallways between periods, or during lunch. It’s disheartening to witness my daughter, who has been on the receiving end of such thoughtless remarks, still consider some of the individuals making these comments as friends. This raises an important question: do our daughters truly understand the essence of friendship?
I recall the days when Emily was younger, and I facilitated her playdates. When disputes arose over toys, I guided the girls in taking turns. If one of them spoke unkindly, we discussed feelings and explored more considerate ways to express themselves. Play was simple and screen-free, and after a couple of hours, the children would leave with smiles and hugs.
Now that Emily and her friends are older, their interactions have shifted from supervised playdates to casual hangouts. They frequent local coffee shops and retreat to her bedroom for whispered chats, sharing moments through platforms like Instagram and Snapchat filled with emojis and abbreviations. As a parent, my role has become more observational, making it challenging to guide her through these complex social dynamics.
Middle school presents a plethora of changes and heightened expectations for our daughters: physical developments, emotional challenges, social pressures, and academic demands. It’s a lot to navigate. While Emily receives ample support and structure at home, she increasingly turns to her peers for guidance as she discovers her identity. The lack of empathy I observe among her classmates indicates a need for parental intervention, even if it feels awkward or unwanted.
Teaching our daughters to refrain from bullying and to speak up when witnessing unkindness is essential, but it’s equally important to encourage them to uplift one another daily. A genuine friend should provide encouragement instead of succumbing to jealousy. She should express approval rather than negativity and address sensitive topics privately to avoid public embarrassment. True friendship involves listening with compassion, fostering healthy competition, and celebrating each other’s unique qualities.
While such behavior is not uncommon at this age, it is certainly not acceptable. I recognize that Emily, like any young person, may have accidentally said something thoughtless to a peer. I don’t expect her to get along with everyone, but I encourage her to adopt a standard of kindness. If she feels compelled to comment, it should be constructive or, at the very least, neutral. My goal is for her to understand what it means to be a good friend while recognizing true friendship in others and distancing herself from those who undermine her self-esteem.
Girls should not feel the need to tear each other down; the world provides enough of that. Instead, I aspire for Emily and her friends to become each other’s strongest supporters, embracing the significance of friendship and leading with compassion.
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Summary:
In summary, it’s crucial for parents to engage with their daughters during their formative years, teaching them the true meaning of friendship and the importance of kindness. As young girls navigate the complexities of middle school relationships, they should be encouraged to support one another, recognize genuine friendships, and distance themselves from negativity.