Prior to my journey into parenthood, I often heard that the love for one’s children is unparalleled. Well-meaning individuals, from family to strangers in grocery store aisles, proclaimed, “Holding your baby is the most incredible experience!”
You can imagine my shock when I first cradled my daughter and felt overwhelming fear instead of love. Thoughts raced through my mind: Would I drop her? Was I equipped to raise her? Had we chosen an appropriate name? What had I been thinking, believing I could nurture a human being?
Naturally, this fear only compounded my anxieties. Was I a bad mother for feeling this way? Where was the promised surge of love? Was something fundamentally wrong with me?
The flood of affection didn’t arrive until two weeks later, when, during a sleepless night at two in the morning, my daughter cried uncontrollably. After exhausting every trick in the book, I found myself in tears. “Please,” I pleaded, “I’m doing my best, just stop crying.” To my surprise, she did. In that moment of chaos, I laughed at the absurdity of it all. Looking at my baby, who resembled a mix between her father and Mikhail Gorbachev, I realized she was just as confused as I was. In that revelation, my fear lessened.
Later, a well-intentioned relative stated that this phase with my infant and three-year-old was a “golden” time. “You’ll miss it when it’s gone,” she said. “It was the happiest time of my life.”
While my days are undoubtedly full, meaningful, and often frustrating, I hesitate to label them as the happiest. Admitting that brings feelings of inadequacy—if I’m not blissfully scrubbing my three-year-old’s carpet clean, am I failing as a parent?
An abundance of parenting guides and online resources imply that if you’re facing challenges, there’s a fix. If something goes awry—like your child’s determination to bite your arm—then surely, with enough patience and the right products you can find online, you can overcome it. The underlying message seems to be: if you’re not experiencing happiness, it’s your own fault.
I propose we remove the word “happy” from parental discussions. The idea that perfect joy should be the ultimate goal in raising children is unrealistic. Life is inherently messy and challenging, and not every situation has a neat resolution. Our self-help culture often suggests that all obstacles can be conquered. But when a child doesn’t grasp that they shouldn’t continue to have accidents despite the potty-training manual, it’s crucial to reassess expectations.
No parent who has ever found themselves crying on the floor, surrounded by chaos, is broken. No mother who gazes at her child in sheer terror needs to be fixed. No one who dreams of escaping from the sticky, poop-scented living room is doing it wrong. Instead of books that preach perfection, we need resources that guide us in accepting the complexities of parenting, embracing the joy and frustration intertwined within the experience.
Because I’m done with the pursuit of happiness.
For more insights into navigating parenthood and the challenges that come with it, you can explore this other blog post. If you’re looking for authoritative information on home insemination, check out Make a Mom’s website for detailed guides. Additionally, Resolve.org serves as an excellent resource for understanding pregnancy and home insemination options.
In summary, parenting is a complex and often overwhelming experience that does not always come with feelings of happiness. Rather than striving for an unrealistic ideal, we should focus on accepting the diverse emotions that accompany raising children.