When preparing for parenthood, I received an abundance of advice. “Get your rest now, because it won’t happen later.” “Enjoy date nights while you can.” “Take long showers…” The list goes on. However, no one warned me about the overwhelming amount of time I would spend dealing with feces.
Indeed, one of the most significant transitions for new parents is the bizarre but constant interaction with all things related to waste. Today, I’m sharing ten poop-related insights you never thought you’d need—yet will likely encounter because, well, kids.
- The Rookie Mistake (aka The Finger Test): Every new parent will fall into this trap at least twice. It starts with the innocent curiosity: Is the baby wet, or is there something more alarming? The disastrous decision to use your finger to lift the diaper slightly for a peek ensues. Unfortunately, the unfortunate truth is that wherever you decide to check, that’s where the poop will be. Prepare for an immediate hand-washing.
- The Chocolate or Poop Dilemma: There’s no valid excuse for this situation, yet it happens. Your child approaches you sporting a brown smudge on their face. Cue the sniff test. It’s akin to playing Russian Roulette. Best-case scenario, it’s old chocolate. Worst-case? Follow my friend Lisa’s advice: “Assume it’s poop.”
- The Unidentified Odor: You know the smell is there, but where? Your child is in a clean diaper, your hair is tied back, and your shoulder is clear. Yet that unmistakable scent persists! The only solution? Two baths and a wardrobe change. It’s a hassle, but far better than wandering around with the aroma of a Diaper Genie.
- The Raisin Incident: I must mention raisins. Non-parents might be aware this happens, but witnessing it is an entirely different experience. It’s astonishing! Perhaps we should consider building nuclear shelters stocked with those shriveled grape skins.
- Finding Humor in Poop: Believe it or not, poop can be hysterical. For your child’s eighth birthday, skip the hired entertainment and instead invite a fun uncle with a repertoire of potty jokes. Kids find nothing funnier than a good bathroom joke. Just say “poop,” and watch the laughter ensue!
- Alone Time is a Myth: A luxurious spa day? Not on the horizon for this stay-at-home parent. I would settle for five minutes of solitude in the bathroom. I’m serious. It’s on my holiday wish list.
- The Blowout Situation: Murphy’s Law of Parenting states that the day your child has a public blowout is the one day your diaper bag is devoid of spare clothes.
- Doctor’s Appointment Disclosures: At some point, you’ll visit the pediatrician. When asked, “What have you noticed?” be prepared for the words to spill out before you can stop them: “Well, his poop has been unusual.” And yes, you will describe it in detail. I’ll spare you the specifics, but it’s inevitable.
- Celebrating Poop: You never realize how joyous poop can be until your child struggles to go for a week. When the long-awaited moment finally arrives, you’ll find yourself purchasing a cake and candles. It’s a big deal! After days of sleepless nights and belly aches, you’ll join in the celebration.
- Parents Discuss It: Whether in private conversations or on platforms like this one, poop will be a topic of discussion among parents. It’s a universal experience.
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In summary, parenthood is filled with unexpected challenges, many of which revolve around the less glamorous aspects of child-rearing, particularly when it comes to dealing with poop. While it may not be the most pleasant topic, it’s certainly a common thread that connects all parents.