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Parenting
I Never Envisioned Parenthood
by Alex Brooks
Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: November 22, 2013
As a mother, I find myself in a role I never anticipated. Did you know there are others like me? There are fellow moms navigating the daily chaos of parenting who never imagined this would be their life. We are the moms wrestling with the thought: This is exactly why I never wanted children.
Have you ever felt this way? I certainly did just today. My kids were clinging to me, tugging at my shirt, whining and crying because I wouldn’t lift them up while I was battling a frying pan full of sizzling bacon. I gritted my teeth, tightened my grip on the spatula, and with every tense muscle in my body thought, “This wasn’t my intention. This isn’t the life I envisioned. This is why I didn’t want kids.”
Every day is a challenge.
We have friends who always dreamed of motherhood. They talk about parenting as if they find joy in every little moment, even when faced with the less glamorous realities like messy diapers. We consume countless parenting blogs that proclaim how fulfilling life becomes when raising children. We hear repeatedly how blessed we are to have kids and how we should cherish every moment.
But we are not like them. We are the outliers. We are the moms who recognized our own limitations and knew that motherhood might not be the right path for us. We are the ones who sit on the floor at night, overcome with anxiety that our unplanned children might somehow suffer because of our decisions.
Yet here we are.
Perhaps it was a contraceptive mishap. Perhaps it was a moment of passion. Whatever your story, it led us to sleepless nights, holding crying toddlers, and scrubbing messes off the carpet, all while that familiar voice whispers in our heads, “This is why I didn’t want children.”
I won’t provide you with a list of tips to find joy in your kids on tough days. I won’t criticize you for what some may perceive as a selfish thought.
Instead, I’ll tell you this: it’s alright.
It’s okay that you never wanted kids in the first place. It doesn’t make you unkind, selfish, or any less of a woman. It simply makes you honest.
It’s alright that you can’t relate to other moms who had their family plans meticulously mapped out, and everything unfolded as expected. There is no shame in acknowledging that your child wasn’t part of a carefully constructed life plan.
It’s understandable to feel unprepared and to find yourself searching online, “Is it normal that my child does ‘x’?” when you’re certain your mom friends, who envisioned nurseries since childhood, would have all the answers.
It’s perfectly acceptable to seek help. No mother is a Super Mom, and every mom deserves a break. Some of us might just require more frequent and longer breaks to navigate through the days and weeks of a life we never wanted.
Most importantly, it’s crucial to share your story. There are more of us out there than you might think. We need to hear your tales of fears and tears to feel less isolated in this alternate universe of motherhood. We want to know that someone else understands the struggle, that they hear that voice say, “This is why I never wanted kids.” We need to feel that we’re not alone. We need you.
Regardless of how you found yourself on this journey into parenthood, you are here. You don’t have to feel guilty for admitting that it’s hard. We understand. You don’t have to hide the circumstances of how you arrived. We know. And you don’t need to justify your complaints with, “But I love my kids.”
We understand.
And your children know it too.
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Summary:
This article discusses the feelings of mothers who never wanted children, acknowledging their struggles and validating their experiences. It emphasizes the importance of sharing stories and seeking support, while reassuring that admitting the challenges of motherhood is okay. The piece encourages honesty about the unplanned nature of parenthood and fosters a sense of community among those who relate.