The vibrant smiles showcased in parenting magazines often suggest that a joyful child equates to effective parenting. If your child radiates happiness, giggles effortlessly, and navigates life with ease, you might feel validated in your parenting approach. Congratulations! After tucking your cheerful child into bed, treat yourself to a well-deserved glass of wine, celebrating your perceived success in parenting.
On the other hand, many parents, like myself, may find themselves with a naturally cheerful child who, regardless of our parenting strengths or weaknesses, captivates everyone they meet with their joyful demeanor. However, you might also relate to my experience of having a child who displays anxiety—an individual who feels overwhelmed in social situations, such as the playground or even during a simple walk in the neighborhood.
As a mother of two wonderfully distinct daughters, I can confidently assert that sometimes, despite our best intentions, a child simply experiences sadness or anxiety. It’s a harsh reality that some children, like my daughter Emma, seem to embody joy from birth, while others, like my daughter Bella, wrestle with fear and anxiety from an early age.
While it is true that negative parenting can affect any child, we must offer compassion to parents of anxious children. As much as I would like to attribute Emma’s happiness to my parenting, she is inherently that way. Conversely, while I often hold myself accountable for Bella’s anxiety, it’s important to recognize that it is not solely my fault. Observers—whether they are grocery store clerks or well-meaning strangers—should not assign blame to parents like me.
Bella has a sensory processing disorder. After countless hours spent researching her condition and attending numerous specialist appointments, I can candidly say that understanding the diagnosis and its treatment can be even more perplexing than the symptoms themselves. A developmental pediatrician once likened sensory processing disorder to a complex concept that is difficult to articulate, but recognizable when observed.
A stroll in the park with Emma is simply a stroll in the park. She greets everyone we encounter with a smile, and her delighted shouts at the sight of a dog elicit smiles from even the busiest dog owners. In those moments, I feel the triumph of motherhood, knowing that such bliss is fleeting.
Conversely, a walk in the park with Bella resembles a military operation, as I, alongside equally anxious adults, remain vigilant for potential triggers like dogs, lawnmowers, or insects. During these outings, maintaining composure becomes challenging, and I occasionally falter as a parent.
Once, in a moment of frustration after Bella darted into the street to escape a bug, I found myself yelling, “If you run into the street again, I swear I will lose my mind!” It is in these situations that the weight of motherhood can feel unbearable. You may recognize this experience: pulling your distressed child away from danger or attempting to soothe them in a public space filled with judgment. Those moments are rife with emotions—anger, sadness, guilt, and frustration. Yet, we breathe through it, holding back tears to avoid adding to their distress. In the end, whether parenting a happy or a sad child, the love remains unchanged. Each moment of imperfection weighs heavily, revealing the depth of our commitment.
If you find yourself parenting a child with anxiety, or if your usually cheerful child is having a rough day, take solace in knowing that after doing your best, when your child is finally asleep, you have earned that glass of wine.
Next time you encounter a harried mother struggling with a distressed child in a public setting, consider offering her a kind word. Your encouragement can provide reassurance, reminding her that she is navigating a challenging journey. Perhaps, instead of leaving her car feeling defeated, she might catch a glimpse of a smile in her rearview mirror—those fleeting moments of joy amidst the chaos.
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In summary, parenting can be a complex journey filled with ups and downs, joy and sadness. Understanding that children come with varying temperaments can foster compassion for ourselves and others in similar situations.