As a first-time mother at 37, I found myself a bit late to the parenting party. During my initial ultrasound, my obstetrician threw around the term “geriatric primigravida.” “Did he just say ‘geriatric’? What’s happening down there?” I thought. Was my uterus developing a senior citizen discount? Thankfully, he clarified that “geriatric primigravida” simply means a woman pregnant over the age of 34. Fantastic, so my nether regions are officially classified as a retirement community!
Since then, I’ve developed quite the aversion to what I like to call “mom jargon.” Here’s a curated list of motherhood phrases that I believe should be banished:
- Baby Bump: Why can’t we just say “belly” or “stomach”? Someone decided that pregnancy needed a term that sounds like a tropical disease. “Oh, look at your baby bump! Have you considered using some benzoyl peroxide?” or “Her baby bump is absolutely adorable.” Please, let’s retire this phrase.
- Pump and Dump: I admit I’ve used this term after a few too many drinks. Yes, it’s accurate—but every time I hear it, I picture a mother awkwardly connected to a breast pump while squatting over a toilet. How about we replace it with something like “preserving the baby’s liver” or “guilt-free cocktail hour”?
- Push Present: When did gifting a woman for childbirth become a norm? Sure, labor is challenging, but it’s not like moms are doing dads a favor! The term itself conjures a ridiculous image: a woman in labor, howling through contractions, and suddenly a beautifully wrapped gift pops out. Really?
- DD, DS, and DH: Seriously? Dear daughter, dear son, dear husband? Can we just use “daughter,” “son,” and “husband”? It feels more natural. How about just “family”? We don’t need to make our loved ones sound like bureaucratic entities.
- Mucus Plug: This isn’t slang, but it’s far too vivid for my taste. I’m advocating for a euphemism to replace it. Perhaps “baby stopper” or “stork cork”? I’m open to suggestions!
- Effaced: This term is misleading. Effacement refers to the thinning of the cervix before delivery. Until I took a birthing class, I thought it meant something far more dramatic. Why not just say “thinning”? When you’re nine months pregnant, it’s comforting to hear that something is getting thinner.
- Fur Baby: I understand that pets are beloved family members, but let’s not stretch it. My dog is not my baby. Unlike my child, she relieves herself outside, sleeps most of the day, and hasn’t transformed my body post-birth. Unless you’re nurturing an Ewok, let’s omit the term “fur baby.”
In conclusion, these phrases can be amusing, but they often miss the mark when it comes to the realities of motherhood. For a deeper dive into insemination topics, check out this informative article, or visit Make a Mom for authoritative insights on home insemination. Additionally, UCSF’s Center is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination information.