As a parent, I often find myself in situations where my child, Jamie, hesitates to embrace family members after an extended absence. Recently, when we visited my parents, Jamie shyly tucked her head into my shoulder, showing clear discomfort. My parents, thrilled to see her, reached out, but I could feel her small hands clutching me tighter. Despite the temptation to encourage her to hug them, I felt it would be a violation of her personal space. The awkwardness of a forced group hug seemed like a betrayal of her feelings.
I glanced at my parents, knowing they had driven a long distance to see us, and wondered if they would be disappointed if Jamie chose not to hug them. However, my partner and I have made a conscious decision not to compel either of our children to engage in physical affection when they are not comfortable, even with us. I often observe Jamie freely offering me hugs and kisses, but there are times she simply does not want to reciprocate the same affection towards her dad. As difficult as it may be, we never insist on such interactions.
Having grown up in the Midwest during the 1980s, I was ingrained with a sense of obligation to be polite and to prioritize the comfort of others. I was raised to be a “good girl,” concerned with the feelings of those around me. While I wholeheartedly believe in kindness and compassion, I also recognize that pressuring children to use their bodies to please others can have detrimental effects.
By allowing our children the freedom to choose whom they hug, we empower them to take ownership of their own bodies. This approach not only fosters their confidence but also helps protect them from potential harm. Workshops like Parenting Safe Children emphasize the importance of teaching kids to establish their personal boundaries regarding physical affection. Allowing children to assert their comfort levels can be a critical step in safeguarding them against abuse.
Some may argue that this perspective is extreme, but the implications are significant. Teaching a young girl to allow a relative to cuddle with her, despite her discomfort, can set a dangerous precedent. If we socialize our children to prioritize others’ feelings over their own comfort, we risk compromising their ability to refuse unwanted advances later in life. This mindset can perpetuate unhealthy dynamics, such as young women feeling pressured into sexual situations or enduring uncomfortable experiences to avoid disappointing someone.
Encouraging our children to assert their boundaries is essential for fostering healthy relationships as they grow. It also prepares them to teach their own children about the importance of personal space. While it may disappoint grandparents or other relatives, they can learn to accept a wave or a high-five for the benefit of their grandchildren’s well-being. Perhaps in the future, Jamie will feel comfortable hugging them on her own terms.
In conclusion, by allowing children to dictate their comfort regarding physical affection, we are not only protecting them from potential harm but also equipping them with the skills to foster healthy relationships throughout their lives.
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