Like many individuals, I have experienced losing friends throughout various stages of my life. Each move I made, whether intended or not, often resulted in severing ties. Changing schools meant leaving friends behind, drifting apart from those whose interests no longer aligned with mine, and enduring conflicts that led to irreparable rifts.
The echoes of past friendships linger in my mind, and while every loss carries its own sting, the most profound pain came after I transitioned into motherhood. The emotional toll of losing friends during this time was not only heart-wrenching but also deeply unsettling. Even years later, I find myself grieving not only the friendships themselves but also the essence of what those connections represented.
In our younger years, friendships are often dictated by external factors—school assignments, shared activities, or parental playdates. As we grow older, we learn to choose friends based on shared values, laughter, and mutual support. They reflect our current life situations. For example, during my time in art school, I gravitated towards creative individuals. In my early twenties, my social circle included party-goers, and our nights were filled with bar hopping and late brunches. However, as I grew, my desire shifted towards deeper, more meaningful connections.
I began to foster friendships with women who were just as lively on the dance floor as they were during quiet conversations over coffee. Together, we formed a supportive circle—friends who were there for each other through thick and thin. But once I got married and became a mother, everything changed.
While my friends celebrated my new journey, I was determined not to lose my identity to motherhood. I envisioned a life where I could maintain my independence. However, once my baby arrived—along with sleepless nights and overwhelming anxiety—my previous life, including friendships, began to fade away.
My struggles with mental health affected my ability to maintain those connections. I found myself unable to prioritize friendships amidst the chaos of parenting. The demands of my new life centered around nap times, feeding schedules, and the constant worry that I was not living up to my roles as a mother, wife, or friend. My pre-baby friends couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t join them for evenings out, nor could they understand the emotional weight of being away from my child.
Fortunately, I sought help through therapy and medication—and during this process, I discovered a new circle of “mom” friends who understood the challenges of new motherhood. They offered me the support I needed, allowing me to embrace my new identity as “Mom Jen.” However, the absence of my old friendships still stings; I miss the person I was before motherhood, the spontaneous and carefree individual who didn’t worry about feeding schedules and bedtime routines.
Now, years later, I find myself in a much better place, balancing motherhood with my sense of self. Yet, I still reflect on who I used to be, the vibrant person who enjoyed adventures and spontaneity. Though I occasionally catch glimpses of that past self, I recognize that she, like my former friendships, has evolved into something different.
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In summary, losing friends during significant life changes can feel like losing a piece of oneself. As we adapt to new roles, it’s crucial to seek connections that nurture our evolving identities while remembering the past.