This past week, my son has suddenly stopped sleeping. I mean really, just ceased all nighttime slumber. As you can imagine, I’m feeling quite exhausted.
After a sleepless night, I thought it would be a good idea to take both my boys to the local Target post-nap time (and I use “nap” in a very generous sense) to capitalize on their baby sale. My plan was to grab four enormous boxes of diapers and pass the time. I knew that if I stayed home and sat down, my eyelids would droop, and my children would likely set the house ablaze.
However, the outing didn’t go at all as I had envisioned. It turned out to be one of the most taxing trips we’ve taken. I’ll spare you the exhaustive details, but suffice it to say, it all culminated during the drive home when I realized that there would be no comforting bedtime routine tonight. My son has developed an uncanny ability to stay awake all night and materialize beside my bed without warning.
In a moment of overwhelming emotion, I found myself in tears, and it suddenly dawned on me: I can no longer consider having more children. I have reached my limit. This is it.
As a weary mother of two boys, I yearn for more children, but the reality is that I struggle to manage the ones I already have. I will miss out on the experience of being pregnant again, knowing it would be my final time. I won’t have a daughter to prepare for prom, to buy her menstrual products, or to shop for a wedding dress. And just like that, my outing spiraled into a moment of profound reflection.
There are days when I question whether having two children was a mistake. It often feels too challenging—what if we inadvertently harm them? Other days, I feel like we are exemplary parents, excelling at this whole child-rearing thing and contemplating the idea of adding five more children!
Then there are days like today. After my emotional breakdown, I experienced an epiphany—like a light bulb ignited in my mind. It’s incredibly simple yet enlightening: I don’t have to determine right now how many children I will have.
People frequently ask questions such as:
- Are you planning to have more?
- When will you try for a girl?
- I can’t believe you aren’t expecting again yet.
- You’re finished having kids, right?
- Are you on birth control?
My usual response would be a long-winded explanation about our intention to wait longer between our first two kids, and since they are so close in age, we’d be waiting even longer for a third. Unless, of course, life has other plans. We aim to wait until my husband completes college or until our current children are off to college (or at least potty trained). We think we’d ultimately like three or four kids.
But today, I have a new response for those inquiries: “We have no idea, and you’ll find out when we do.”
It can unfold in one of two ways: we may have more children, or we may not. It’s not something I need to resolve at this moment. Moreover, one thing I’ve learned throughout my 26 and a half years is that our plans rarely unfold as we anticipate. If they did, I’d be an incredibly fit mother with perfectly behaved children and a flawless marriage. I would bake like a pro, wear a bikini with confidence, enjoy restful nights, and have ample leisure time on my hands.
The reality is, I don’t know what the future holds. Even if we were certain about wanting two more children, we could end up having none. Conversely, we might have two more even if we think we don’t want any. The truth is, we just don’t know. I don’t mind when others inquire about our family planning—I genuinely don’t—but the reality is, we have no concrete plans, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable to embrace uncertainty at this time. Ultimately, it’s not solely within our control.
Our family may or may not be complete, but for now, it definitely feels whole.
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Summary
The author reflects on the overwhelming experience of motherhood, questioning whether to have more children while recognizing the importance of embracing uncertainty. She concludes that her family feels complete for now, even as she navigates the complexities of parenting.