“Most of the children look alike,” my daughter remarked, observing her peers. I felt a slight tension in my small chair, gripping my herbal tea tighter as I prepared for her to elaborate. Around the preschool snack table, a group of fourteen little ones were preoccupied with their snacks of raisins and crackers, giving her varying degrees of attention.
It struck me that “most” is a nuanced idea at this age; their cognitive development is rapid, and they absorb complexities around them. Their minds are like dough rising—expanding in understanding. “Most of the kids match with their peach mom,” she continued. “And Sam matches with Teacher Carla.”
Sam piped up, “I match Mommy’s eyes.” This theme has been prevalent in our conversations lately, as they become aware of colors and similarities. They are beginning to understand the distinctions between themselves and those around them. Our skin tones differ, but our eyes share similarities. “I have a tummy mommy,” she says, contrasting with my own appearance.
Her desire to match with me is bittersweet. Over the past three years, we have diligently worked to foster our family bond. My identity as her mother is deeply rooted in my emotions, yet these children are still young and focused on tangible connections. They seek to belong through colors, textures, and familiar features. Words like “love” and “bond” often feel too abstract for their little hands to grasp. They want to see and feel those connections. “Garrett’s hair looks like Dad’s,” she notes. “My eyes match Mommy’s.”
I encourage her curiosity but carefully conceal my concerns. My adult anxieties remind me of the importance of her embracing her Haitian heritage and the beauty of her brown skin. I worry that her wish to match her white mother instead of her African American teacher could lead her to internalize the damaging societal message that whiteness equates to beauty. But for now, I find solace in her self-affirmation. She beams when she admires her hairstyle and confidently states, “I’m pretty.” At this moment, she is simply a child exploring her family connections, not one rejecting her unique appearance.
The children turned to me, sticky fingers raised in the air, half-eaten raisins lingering. “I don’t match,” I reminded them. “My skin is olive, while Sam’s skin is chocolate like Teacher Carla. We are all unique. Who has brown eyes?” Four small hands shot up. “I have blue eyes!” an adorable little girl exclaimed. “That’s right! Who else has blue eyes?” This led to a delightful discussion about eye colors and differences. “Liam has green eyes like Garrett,” I added. “And you’re the only one with red hair! We’re all different, and that’s what makes us special.”
Just as quickly as the topic began, their attention shifted to something else—a spilled cup or dwindling snacks. Teacher Laura guided them to the Science Room, where they were eager to learn about fascinating insects. For days, we talked about bugs, but I knew the conversation about matching and identity would resurface.
These discussions are currently simple because they are easily entertained. The more challenging questions about identity and belonging lie ahead. I want to immerse her in affirmations: “You are stunning. You are unique.” I hope she learns not to equate beauty with societal standards, those airbrushed images and unrealistic expectations. True happiness comes from love, connection, and passion—not from conforming to a specific look or lifestyle.
She may be too young to grasp these complexities now, but I document my thoughts here for her future. Remember, darling, the essence of a person cannot be discerned by their appearance. Many individuals who fit conventional beauty standards carry deep emotional burdens.
We are all different, yet we share fundamental similarities.
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Summary
This article reflects on the significance of identity and belonging in early childhood, as children explore their connections through physical features. While concerns about societal beauty standards loom, the focus remains on nurturing self-acceptance and understanding of diversity among individuals.