Once, my partner, Alex, took pride in the title of my blog. “Without me, you wouldn’t even have a website,” he would joke with his siblings. And while there’s some truth to that, the name emerged during a challenging time when he was just two years old, expressing fear about everything around him. When he first called me “Scary Mommy,” I instantly knew it was the perfect name for my blog. However, as time has passed, his feelings have shifted. Unlike his siblings, who thrive on attention, Alex has grown more reserved about my writing endeavors. Recently, while I prepared to leave for a few days, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I wish I never said that name, because then you wouldn’t have to go.” Talk about mommy guilt—the ache was almost unbearable.
These past few weeks have been exhilarating, filled with a book launch, appearances at glitzy hotels, and even a spot on a talk show. I’m still in disbelief at all that’s happening. Yet, amid this excitement, I find myself yearning for the comfort of home, clad in my yoga pants and nestled in the carpool line with my kids, the very ones who inspired this journey.
At my readings, I often hold a question-and-answer session, and a frequent inquiry revolves around achieving balance. People often ask how I manage it all. I chuckle at the irony—balance is something I’m constantly chasing. When I’m not engaged in activities, boredom creeps in, but when I dive in headfirst, I worry my family bears the brunt. I wish I could savor the thrill without compromising my home life, but that’s not how it seems to work.
As I write this, I’m on my way to New York for four days, missing Alex’s birthday and important school events. While I might enjoy a king-sized bed to myself, the price of solitude is steep. I find it hard to sleep without the comforting sound of my children’s breathing.
When I return home, this Mother’s Day marks the first time in years that I don’t want a day off. It turns out that having too little time with my kids is tougher than having too much.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of parenting, especially with the added pressures of personal achievements, can evoke feelings of guilt and longing for home. Balancing professional and family life remains a challenge, yet it’s clear that the love for our children ultimately shapes our priorities.