Updated: Sep. 10, 2017
Originally Published: March 5, 2012
During World War II, my great aunt wed a young soldier while still in her teens, but he went off to war, and their paths soon diverged. She later married the man who would stand by her side for more than 50 years. Back then, divorce was often shrouded in secrecy, treated as a hushed affair with minimal public acknowledgment. By the time she revealed her previous marriage to her second husband and children, it was only a few short years before she passed away. Her children were astonished; their mother was not the person they had believed her to be. Why had she kept this hidden? What had compelled her to maintain this secret for so long?
Such secrets often breed fear, akin to harboring an unexploded bomb in one’s heart, uncertain of when or how it might go off. The stigma surrounding divorce remains prevalent today, despite the facade of confidence many of us may display.
For instance, after Christmas, I enjoyed coffee with a new acquaintance, a successful executive and a mother of two, who exuded beauty and grace. As we exchanged stories, cautiously revealing bits of our lives, she took a bold step and mentioned, “I was divorced, and this is my second marriage,” all in one breath, pausing for my reaction.
“I’ve been divorced too,” I responded gently, and her relief was palpable. She felt understood.
My four-year-old son was beside me, focused on a puzzle, potentially oblivious or perhaps silently processing the term “divorce.” I don’t shield him from such words, and thankfully, he hasn’t yet inquired about its meaning. But the reality is that one day, I will need to explain divorce to him, and more importantly, convey that I was divorced before meeting his father.
Even a decade later, my divorce sometimes feels like an echo of failure. I see similar shame reflected in the faces of many individuals I know who have experienced divorce. They reveal their pasts with a hint of vulnerability, waiting for your response—either defiantly, with chin up, or anxiously, chin down.
My respected mother-in-law advised me to share my past with my son sooner rather than later. She believes it’s crucial for a child to understand the full truth about marriage rather than grow up under misconceptions. Her own experience taught her this lesson; she only learned of her father’s previous marriage and divorce after graduating high school.
She explained that it took her a long time to realize that such events didn’t change her father’s essence; they were simply parts of his life story.
A search online for guidance on discussing one’s past divorce with children reveals a plethora of advice focused on navigating a divorce from the child’s other parent. However, resources on explaining a previous life before a child was born, or the reality that love may not always be everlasting, are scarce. I sought advice from my friend, Dr. Maria Thompson, a family psychologist.
“Informing our children about past marriages can often be more stressful for the parent than the child,” she stated. “It’s usually best to incorporate this into your family narrative before they reach an age where they feel anything was concealed. Secrets can be more damaging than the truth to a child’s sense of security.”
That’s precisely my goal. Yet, it feels somewhat unnatural to phrase it as, “Mommy had another husband” as part of our family history. After my ex-husband left, I disposed of all evidence, including our wedding photos. If I broach the topic of divorce, do I also need to address the domestic violence and the other woman involved? Balancing what to share based on my son’s emotional intelligence is a delicate task. There’s a fine line between full disclosure and age-appropriate information.
Dr. Thompson suggested waiting for a natural moment to bring it up—perhaps during a conversation about divorce or when my son inquires about life before he was born. “As with any significant topic, offer concise, factual information and gauge his interest with follow-up questions. You might say, ‘I was married to someone else a long time ago, before your dad.’ See what he asks, as he may have questions now or later, or he might forget and be surprised when you mention it again.”
As he matures, I might share how divorce impacted me emotionally and physically. I could express the shame and feelings of failure I experienced. I want to impart honesty to him. I will emphasize that while divorce is part of my journey, it does not define me. I want him to understand that unfortunate events can happen to good people, and I am grateful for the lessons learned. Ultimately, I want him to know that love is always possible, no matter what.
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In summary, discussing divorce with children is often more stressful for parents than for kids. Being open about past marriages can help foster trust and understanding, allowing children to grasp the complexities of relationships. It’s essential to convey that while unfortunate events like divorce may occur, they do not diminish a person’s worth or capacity for love.