Picture this: it’s 1989, and you’re a 14-year-old who feels like an outcast. You’re flat-chested, a bookworm, and you sport frizzy, permed hair—frizzy because you didn’t know any better and brushed it like crazy for years. You wear braces and, at night, a headgear that looks like it belongs in a medieval movie. Now, you’re starting high school, and you don’t know a single soul.
Yes, that was me. This common tale of the “ugly duckling” is typically expected to culminate in a transformation into a glamorous swan, complete with prom dates with the most sought-after boys in school or a Hollywood-style makeover. However, my journey through awkwardness was a slow and steady one. I ditched the perm and braces, eventually entered puberty, but I remained the quintessential nerdy kid. While others were dating, I was busy nurturing meaningful friendships.
During those formative years, while some girls flirted with popularity and faced pressure to experiment with adult behaviors, I had the luxury of time. I immersed myself in family activities, devoured books, engaged in sports, and cultivated my intellect. This allowed me to enjoy childhood, free from the weight of peer pressure. I had the space to discover who I was without the constant distraction of being “cool.”
As my own children approach their tween and teen years, I secretly hope they experience a touch of that same awkwardness. I want them to savor a buffer before the challenges and temptations of adolescence fully emerge. A little time to indulge in silly interests and share goofy jokes with friends, rather than rushing into the adult world of sexting, drinking, and the anxiety that comes with it.
I vividly remember a friend, someone who faced peer pressure to drink in eighth grade, expressing how she sometimes wished her parents had been stricter. She didn’t have that protective awkward phase I did. In my junior high, only the basketball players and cheerleaders were drinking, so I was safe from that. But my friend, caught up in the popular crowd without parental limitations, found herself in vulnerable situations and eventually succumbed to the pressure.
While I can’t ensure my kids will be as “uncool” as I was, I’ve found valuable insights in Lisa Damour’s book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood. Though primarily aimed at girls, much of the advice is equally applicable to boys. Damour emphasizes the importance of maintaining a balanced approach when navigating peer pressure. If parents resort to extreme punishments, kids are less likely to reach out for help in troubling situations. Conversely, being overly friendly and trying to fit in with teens often backfires.
Damour suggests that the most secure teens are those who can point to their parents’ “crazy rules” as a rationale for avoiding risky behaviors. When friends are around, it’s important for parents to strike a balance—be engaging yet maintain the role of the “boring” adult. This way, teens can use their parents as scapegoats when needed. For example, a teen might tell friends that their mom can detect pot from a distance and will impose serious consequences if they smoke. Whether or not that’s true, it allows them to avoid peer pressure without losing face.
In essence, our role as parents is not to be the cool ones—this suits me just fine! Who would have thought that my years of awkwardness served as preparation for this critical parenting phase? I’m ready for the teen years, armed with my own brand of nerdiness.
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Summary
Embracing an awkward teen phase can be beneficial, providing time for personal growth and development before facing peer pressures. As parents, fostering this phase can help kids navigate adolescence more securely. By maintaining boundaries and being the “boring” parent, we can create a safe environment for our children to explore their identities.
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