Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 22, 2011
Eight weeks may not appear to be an extensive period. However, when you find yourself checking your email multiple times daily, anxiously awaiting a response, those eight weeks stretch on indefinitely.
The journey with our youngest son’s birthmother has been a long and unpredictable one, recently leading to her decision to take a hiatus from our visits. We had to honor her choice while also explaining this change to our four-year-old son, who had begun to grasp not only her significance in his life but also her physical presence.
Since he was just weeks old, we had enjoyed regular visits with her. Initially, these meetings didn’t seem to resonate with him, but that changed when she gave birth to her second child, a baby boy she chose to parent. We did our utmost to clarify the situation, especially as her availability for visits was becoming more limited.
When she suggested that we pause our visits to prevent confusion or distress for him, we felt a profound sense of loss—not just for ourselves, but also for our other two sons, who had never experienced any connection with a birthparent. Although she still desires to receive photos and updates via email, it simply isn’t the same as the interactions we once had.
After several weeks without contact, I decided to reach out. I waited eight weeks for a response, which finally came as an apology and the announcement of a new baby—a daughter this time—another child she is able to parent. This necessitated yet another explanation to my son.
As I reflect on this situation, my now five-year-old son often sports a grin so wide it nearly lights up the room. I find myself thinking of her, of her life that is becoming fuller, and of him, her firstborn, who is becoming less central to her world. While I cannot presume to understand the immense sacrifice she made in formulating his adoption plan, she occupies my thoughts frequently. I recognize that this beautiful boy will have much to contemplate as he seeks to understand and perhaps establish his place in her life.
When asked about his birthmother, my son expresses love for her and quickly inquires when he can see her again. I wish I could provide him with the answers he seeks—today, tomorrow, and for years to come. Sadly, I don’t have those answers, and I suspect I never will.
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Summary
This narrative explores the emotional complexities surrounding the relationship between an adoptive family and a birthmother. It highlights the challenges of maintaining contact and understanding the impact of these dynamics on a young child’s perception of family and identity.