In a cozy setting, my intelligent, compassionate, and resilient daughter was gently wrapped in her personalized fleece blanket. Observing her, I couldn’t help but think about the immense love surrounding her. Bedtime was our cherished sanctuary – a moment to escape from the chaos of her two siblings, school demands, and daily routines. Often, she would ask, “Can I share something with you at bedtime?” After our story sessions, we sometimes played a mother-daughter game of “Would you rather?” or flipped through a magazine to select our favorites. There was a comforting intimacy in lying in her bed together, akin to old friends exchanging secrets during slumber parties, sharing dreams and fears, recounting daily adventures, and laughing until we were breathless.
One evening, as she was drifting off, she expressed, “Mommy, sometimes I ask you if I’m fat just to hear you say that I’m so skinny.” Taken aback, I replied, “Why would you want to hear that?” She responded cheerfully, “Oh, it just feels so good.” A wave of anger surged through me—it was alarming how effortlessly those words left her lips. In my mind, I was shouting, “You are only seven!” “I have made a conscious effort to avoid discussing terms like fat or skinny regarding your appearance or anyone else’s.” “I have focused on your creativity, kindness, and all the wonderful things your strong and healthy body can achieve.” “You are SEVEN!” “I shook my head in disbelief, and you interpreted that as ‘so skinny’?” “I resent society for infiltrating your innocent views of ‘pretty’ with superficial ideals.” “I am frustrated with myself for ever allowing you to perceive my dissatisfaction with my own appearance.” “You are SEVEN; life should revolve around popsicles, parks, art, and playtime!”
A moment of innocence that I yearned to prolong seemed to vanish, leaving me feeling robbed. In response, I reiterated my core messages about her adventurous spirit, inner beauty, and ability to include others. I adhered to my principles: avoid labels, shift the focus to positive personality traits, and eliminate any perceived rewards associated with looks.
Despite my good intentions and genuine compliments, I sensed a shift as I exited her room that night. Regardless of my efforts to champion deeper values and resist societal pressures, my vibrant first grader still craved validation about her external appearance, which was particularly distressing given the emphasis on thinness.
Upon further reflection, I realized that the responsibility for this perception lies with me. It became painfully clear: she was seeing right through me. I struggle to accept compliments regarding my appearance. Since becoming a mother (I have another daughter who is four), I have learned the importance of graciously accepting praise, whether for a clothing choice or hairstyle. Yet, the notion that I am unworthy of admiration is deeply ingrained in my identity, making it my default response. My daughter, undoubtedly, has sensed my insincerity and insecurity.
Moreover, when someone praises her looks, I often redirect the conversation to highlight her character, intelligence, and other qualities. By doing so, I inadvertently dismiss the compliment before she even has the chance to appreciate it. It’s akin to trying to erase freshly written ink, smearing the words and diminishing their significance, leaving a stain of disappointment. Alternatively, I resort to my “notorious line” (which she has come to know well, complete with air quotes and eye rolls) when someone comments on her cuteness: “Well, I think so, but I’m biased,” delivered with a self-deprecating chuckle.
My intentions to nurture a humble, socially confident, and self-accepting daughter have backfired, leading her to question whether the person who should appreciate her beauty the most even notices it. This may be why she seeks my affirmation. After all, sometimes a girl simply wants to feel beautiful and to know that the people who matter recognize her beauty—both inside and out.
Perhaps it’s time for me to embrace the idea that beauty is not a taboo subject. My daughter and I often appreciate beauty in nature, art, and in others, and we readily applaud our friends, family, and even strangers. It seems that acknowledging one’s appearance can be added to the extensive list of truths: it’s often easier to give than to receive.
A wise and talented friend of mine, who is both an artist and a mother, has offered some practical suggestions for removing the stigma around discussions of beauty. One suggestion is to engage children in conversations about beauty, asking questions like, “Can things that are unconventional, unique, or even awkward be beautiful, perhaps even more so than the mundane?” or “Can things grow more beautiful as we learn to love them?”
Additionally, one can connect beauty to functionality or wisdom, such as appreciating the beauty of a turtle’s shell because it serves as their home, or finding beauty in a building’s patina as a testament to the passage of time rather than just physical decline. These strategies can facilitate comfortable discussions around beauty during playdates, museum visits, or casual conversations with friends.
I recall the striking cheekbones of my grandmother, which I admired long before her wrinkles came into view. I need to share this with my daughter. Moving forward, I aspire to compliment her outward appearance with the same enthusiasm I show for her other attributes, before she feels compelled to seek validation from societal standards. I will highlight her unique beauty, celebrating aspects like how her (currently) toothless grin accentuates the sprinkle of freckles on her nose.
While my opinion holds significance for her now, and I hope it always will to some extent, I recognize it should not be the most crucial. I want to prevent her from seeking approval from others, including myself. Instead, I commit to fostering her spiritual growth so she understands that she is loved unconditionally and to encourage her to cultivate friendships with girls who uplift her, see her beauty, and celebrate her in all circumstances.
Perhaps we can both become more adept at receiving compliments. After all, as a mother, I wish to reach out like one of those claw machines in dimly lit arcades, determined to pull my daughter away from the overwhelming clutter that surrounds her.
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Summary:
The article reflects on the importance of discussing beauty with children, emphasizing the need for parents to model healthy self-acceptance and appreciation for both inner and outer beauty. It highlights how societal pressures can influence children’s perceptions of beauty and the significance of open dialogue about this topic. Parents are encouraged to affirm their children’s unique qualities and to foster an environment where beauty is celebrated rather than shunned.