Today was particularly challenging as I found myself reflecting on the absence of my parents. Following a doctor’s appointment where I discussed some health concerns and aspirations for the future, I felt compelled to reach out to them. We used to communicate multiple times a day, often engaging in light-hearted debates, but they were always connected to my life. My father was the first person I would call after each prenatal checkup, and I fondly remember how he affectionately nicknamed my son Liam “Six” after an ultrasound that humorously resembled the number six. It’s astonishing to think that the little one I regularly updated my dad about is now celebrating his third birthday; my father, however, was not there to witness his first.
I am among the many parents navigating the complexities of raising children without the guidance of their own mothers and fathers. My mother passed away on December 13, 2010, just months after I graduated from college and got married. She was only 50 and succumbed to liver failure after battling alcoholism for much of her life. Although I distanced myself from her during her struggles, we made peace before her passing. I was present for her final moments, and just days prior, she expressed her regrets about not being more involved in my life. I assured her that I had turned out well and asked if she believed I would be a good mother, to which she replied positively. Despite my own doubts, I held onto her faith in me.
My father followed suit nearly two years later, passing on December 15, 2012. He was 70 and dealt with numerous health issues, including kidney and heart problems. After my parents divorced when I was younger than Liam, I experienced a fragmented upbringing, dividing my time between Arizona and Colorado. While my father had his own struggles, we maintained a daily communication that sometimes involved arguments. I felt a deeper bond with him as I matured, and he was able to attend my college graduation and meet my son before his passing. He moved to Arizona shortly before he died, which presented its own set of challenges, but I cherish the fact that he got to meet Liam, my pride and joy.
Liam was born amidst the backdrop of loss. My life has been a whirlwind of events: navigating the grief of losing both parents, graduating college, getting married, and embarking on the journey of homeownership—all while adapting to parenthood. Parenting without parents is undoubtedly isolating. There are no grandparents to share photos or milestones with; instead, Liam’s grandparents are my husband’s parents, while mine are simply memories that fade with time. Given my mother’s struggles, I often wonder how involved she would have been had she lived, while my father’s health limitations would have likely kept him from being hands-on.
Despite the absence of my parents, I strive to honor their memories. I aim to keep their spirits alive by sharing photographs—images of my mother in her healthier days and my father cradling Liam as a baby. I intend to share stories with Liam about how his grandpa lovingly dubbed him “Six” and how his grandma believed in my potential as a mother. I also plan to inform him about our family’s history with addiction, emphasizing the importance of being responsible and wise. Yet, I often find myself grappling with how to explain death to a curious child.
On a positive note, raising Liam without my parents has allowed me to embrace love from other family members. My in-laws are wonderful grandparents who live close by. My mother-in-law frequently babysits, and my father-in-law enjoys taking Liam on weekend adventures to local attractions. Additionally, my aunt—my mother’s sister—has stepped in as a grandmother figure, allowing Liam to grow up surrounded by love and support. While I cannot share updates with my own parents, I am grateful for the loving network that surrounds my son.
Many children grow up without one or both sets of grandparents. Liam will learn to view this as his normal. His grandparents will be my husband’s parents, and his “Mimi” will be my aunt. The challenge lies in my acceptance of this new normal, acknowledging both the pain of absence and the blessings that arise from it. Will my father take Liam fishing? No, but he left behind a blue fishing pole that I plan to introduce to Liam at the right moment. There’s a pink one too, because the future is unpredictable.
In summary, parenting without parents can be an emotionally complex journey, filled with moments of loneliness intertwined with the love and support of chosen family. Embracing this reality allows us to create a rich tapestry of experiences for our children, despite the voids left behind. For more guidance on parenting and infertility resources, consider looking into Johns Hopkins’ Fertility Center and explore options to boost fertility with Make a Mom’s supplements.