As the gentle notes of “Bring on the Rain” play softly in the background, the familiar scent of my favorite apple-scented candle fills the air. Gone are the traditional Christmas carols, and I’m relieved that the cold, white blanket of snow isn’t covering my surroundings.
I find it hard to believe another year has slipped by without my parents. On December 23, almost 14 years ago, my mother succumbed to a prolonged struggle with metastatic lung cancer. Just 19 months later, my father also passed away. In between their losses, I faced the heartbreak of losing a baby. At that time, I was in my early 20s, newly married, and beginning my journey into the professional world, with so much potential ahead of me.
Everywhere I turn, I encounter reminders of my past. The twinkling lights in the windows, cheerful family photos populating my social media, the scent of Chanel No. 5 wafting through the mall, and even the lingering aroma of pipe smoke can evoke tears. Although I try to maintain a cheerful facade, some days, particularly December 23, are overwhelmingly challenging.
Many of you parents can relate to this experience. You’ve felt the void during the holiday season after losing loved ones. While others celebrate, you may find yourself wanting to retreat under the covers until the festivities pass.
After my father passed away in 2002, I felt adrift, lacking the support system that my parents had provided. They were my greatest supporters, and without them, I struggled to find my direction. My in-laws and husband were incredibly supportive, but they couldn’t fully comprehend the depth of my sorrow.
For those navigating personal loss, numerous resources are available, including grief support groups offered by hospitals and religious organizations. During the initial months following each loss, I sought guidance from a grief counselor. One effective coping mechanism I adopted was maintaining a daily journal, which eventually became the basis for a book. At times, I simply allowed myself to feel the weight of my emotions.
Years have gone by, and now my daughters and husband are my everyday reality. In truth, they are often the reasons I keep moving forward. When my girls were younger, I often wished for my mother’s wisdom—seeking her advice on milestones like walking, talking, or handling sleepless nights and diaper rashes. Sadly, those questions remain unanswered. I don’t even have a baby book to refer to.
Recently, during an interview with a local journalist named Sarah, who I’ve known for years, she remarked, “I had no idea you were an orphan. You’ve never shared that with me.” She was right. It’s not a secret, but I tend to keep it to myself. I notice that when people learn of my loss, they often change their demeanor or seem uncomfortable around me.
To anyone in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. I empathize with both the good days and the difficult ones. There are moments when I wish I could cry alongside you. Yet, we often hold it together for the little ones we’ve brought into this world, pushing through the days filled with painful memories and hoping that time can heal our deepest wounds.
In a few hours, I will light a candle in memory of my mother, as I do every year. I’ll share stories of my parents with my daughters, passing down the invaluable lessons they imparted to me. Just like the rain, December 23 will eventually pass. Until next year.
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Summary
Navigating life without parents can be particularly challenging during the holiday season. The author reflects on their personal journey of grief following the loss of both parents and a child, sharing coping strategies and the need for support. The piece emphasizes the importance of remembering loved ones while forging ahead for the sake of the next generation.