Updated: August 13, 2015
Originally Published: November 10, 2010
Following the birth of my son, I initially experienced what many refer to as the typical baby blues. However, with my son in the NICU, my feelings were more intense than I anticipated. I attributed my emotional turmoil to the circumstances I faced—feeling teary, restless, and unable to settle down enough to sleep. In those early weeks, I would estimate that I managed to squeeze in a total of maybe five hours of sleep. I simply couldn’t quiet my mind. I thought this was just part of the awe and stress of being a new mother, constantly monitoring his breathing to ensure he was alright. I even spent countless nights holding him in the dark while everyone else slept soundly, convinced I was simply fulfilling my maternal responsibilities. No one informed me that this level of anxiety was beyond normal. People offered the standard advice to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” which I interpreted as simply a rite of passage into motherhood.
As the months progressed, my mental state deteriorated. My anxiety about my son’s well-being escalated; I developed irrational fears of highly unlikely scenarios where something catastrophic happened to him. I dismissed these thoughts, attributing them to fatigue and the challenges of new parenthood. I thought a good night’s sleep would resolve everything, even though I knew that restful nights would be a while coming.
Eventually, my mental health took a serious downturn. The anxiety transformed into a pervasive paranoia; everything seemed like a threat to my child and myself. I felt no joy, and my relationship with my husband suffered significantly because I felt incapable of loving both him and my son simultaneously. I assumed it was simply the pressures of new motherhood and didn’t pursue any understanding of my mental state.
I brought up my feelings to my doctor, but I passed the postpartum depression screenings, so I continued to feel terrible, hoping for a spontaneous return to happiness. Fast forward to today: I have welcomed one child and suffered the loss of three since 2011. The sadness I initially felt has intensified, and my anxiety has skyrocketed to the point where I struggle to function as an everyday person. My mind has become filled with gruesome thoughts and horrifying images, with visions of my child suffering or dying invading my attempts to rest.
These thoughts have grown increasingly vivid and disturbing—from my son being hit by a car to me imagining myself causing him harm. When such thoughts arise, I am gripped by sheer terror at the possibility of thinking them, leading to anxiety attacks so severe I’ve found myself leaning over the side of my bed in distress. I have no desire to act on these thoughts; rather, they paralyze me with fear, leaving me sweating and with a racing heart throughout the night. Sleep feels more elusive than ever, and I dread the nighttime when I know I’ll be confronted with these horrific images.
I often feel trapped in my mind, navigating life as though in a daze. While the world continues around me, I feel detached and empty, unable to partake in the joys of life. My mental clarity feels like a fuzzy television channel, constantly changing but never in focus. Recently, I have even contemplated suicide due to my inability to cope. The combination of exhaustion and the desire for relief from my thoughts has left me feeling like a zombie during the day and manic at night. I fear for my own mental health, as my mind has become a frightening place.
Just yesterday, I took the courageous step of sharing my struggles with someone for the first time. The fear of judgment loomed large in my mind, worrying that others would perceive me as an inadequate mother. However, the act of sharing lifted a considerable weight off my shoulders, allowing others to support me. This moment of vulnerability empowered me to contact my doctor, which I should have done much earlier.
My doctor was swift in diagnosing me with Postpartum Psychosis and initiated treatment right away. While I recognize that recovery will take time, I now feel as though I am on the path toward healing. After nearly two years of suffering, I finally took a deep breath and thought that perhaps, just perhaps, everything might be okay.
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Summary:
Postpartum Psychosis is a serious mental health condition that can manifest during the early stages of motherhood, characterized by intense anxiety, irrational fears, and disturbing thoughts. It’s crucial for new mothers experiencing such symptoms to seek professional help, as timely diagnosis and treatment can lead to recovery and improved well-being.