When my daughter, Lila, reached the age of two, she began resembling a miniature version of her father, and her beauty became strikingly apparent. Her hair falls in perfect waves, forming a charmingly crooked part, with dark roots contrasting against her lovely baby curls. As her mother, I often feel an overwhelming urge to express my affection in the most playful way imaginable—though I know better than to act on such instincts. Most parents likely experience similar feelings about their children, as they are biologically designed to be irresistibly cute, which helps us navigate the challenges of parenting—be it a tantrum over a snack choice or a prolonged crying spell.
However, the way we discuss beauty, particularly with daughters, is a nuanced issue. With my son, I found it straightforward to express his handsomeness without second-guessing. I’d occasionally call him my handsome little guy, and that would suffice. Yet, when it comes to Lila, I often find myself hesitating. While I might exclaim, “You’re so beautiful!” I feel compelled to follow it up with, “And clever…and funny! You are those things too!”
This uncertainty stems from societal pressures surrounding the objectification of women, which begins from a young age. From themed accessories to the prevalence of idealized beauty in media, girls are often conditioned to seek validation based on their looks. The more I reflect on this, the more I view the concept of beauty as potentially detrimental. Therefore, I prefer to couple beauty-related compliments with acknowledgments of her other attributes.
Beauty is often perceived as a fixed trait, while qualities like humor, creativity, and intelligence can be cultivated. These traits enrich our character and make us more engaging companions. By emphasizing them, we can nurture Lila’s development and encourage her to shine in ways that truly matter. Additionally, I’m aware that beauty, in its conventional sense, is fleeting; youth inevitably fades, but qualities like kindness and humor can flourish with time.
As I consider the remarkable individuals I admire, I find that many of them embody wisdom, kindness, and joy, often accompanied by the marks of aging—wrinkles that tell the story of a life well-lived. I contend that these features should be celebrated as beauty marks rather than blemishes. Kindness, in particular, is a choice that requires ongoing effort, making it a quality everyone can strive to develop, unlike the arbitrary standards of physical beauty.
I also want Lila to possess confidence, as it plays a significant role in navigating life’s challenges. Growing up, my grandfather consistently called me “beautiful,” instilling a sense of self-worth that stayed with me through awkward phases. For now, I let others, including her loving grandfather, shower her with compliments about her beauty. My focus will be on nurturing her character traits—pointing out her cleverness, creativity, and kindness, and ensuring she understands the value of these qualities.
Ultimately, I hope that as Lila grows, she will perceive beauty as I do—an aspect of life enriched by personal attributes rather than a solitary measure of worth.
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Summary
The author reflects on the complexities of complimenting her daughter, Lila, on her beauty, expressing a desire to emphasize her character traits instead. Concerned about societal pressures and fleeting standards of beauty, she aims to nurture qualities like kindness, intelligence, and creativity, believing they hold more value than conventional beauty.