My six-year-old daughter, Mia, woke me up one sunny morning with gleeful hugs, exclaiming, “Mommy, Mommy! Happy Mother’s Day!” My seven-year-old daughter, Emma, followed closely, proudly presenting me with a bright red rose and a handmade card. This was the kind of day I had envisioned since childhood when I realized my dream of becoming a mother.
However, my path to this moment was fraught with challenges. After much trial and error in the dating world, I finally married my husband, Alex. Together, we spent five years navigating the complexities of fertility clinics, eventually choosing the top-rated clinic in the country, which required regular trips from our home in Dallas to Denver for evaluations and treatments.
Upon arriving in Denver, I underwent a series of tests to evaluate my reproductive health, and the results were disheartening. At 38, my eggs were unfortunately too old, making natural conception or assisted reproduction highly unlikely.
It’s a peculiar kind of grief when you mourn for the genetic connection to children you’ll never know. It’s not about the child you have in your arms, but rather the one who might have shared your features, mannerisms, and familial ties—someone who would carry a piece of you into the future.
My daughters’ DNA mom goes by the name “Lisa.” We don’t know her real name or have any photographs, just a brief medical history. As a way to honor her, we chose to name her after a character from a popular show. She enjoys marine life, so we acquired a beautiful glass sculpture of dolphins leaping together as a token of our appreciation.
On that Mother’s Day, Emma surprised me with a delicious breakfast in bed, while Mia enveloped me in countless hugs. The girls eagerly played with their cousins, and I cherished the time spent with all the moms in our family, spanning ages from six to seventy-seven, as we engaged in a spirited game of kickball in the backyard, filled with laughter and joy. Yet, in the back of my mind, I contemplated how and when to tell my daughters about Lisa.
Recently, a friend’s older child completed a science project discussing dominant and recessive genes. I joked with her mother, “Please, keep my girls away from that!” Both Mia and Emma have blue eyes, a trait inherited from Alex, while mine are brown. This raises questions about the genetics behind their appearance.
As we snuggle at bedtime, I share with them the story of their birth. I explain that their father and I longed to be parents but faced many hurdles along the way. We made trips to a wonderful doctor in Colorado and received help from a special woman who played an important role in their conception. We express our deep gratitude for the support we received, which allowed us to become Mia and Emma’s loving parents.
We’ve been transparent with our family and friends about our IVF journey and the use of donor eggs, but we haven’t yet disclosed the specifics of how the donor contributed.
Firstly, explaining the biology of conception is a complex topic for their young minds. More importantly, I wrestle with how to convey the concept of a DNA mom who is not me. Will they wonder about her appearance? Will they feel an emotional connection to her, despite never having met? Could they subconsciously feel a distance from me as they become more aware of our physical differences?
If I share this information too soon, will they struggle to comprehend it? If I wait too long, will they feel betrayed by a secret?
By next Mother’s Day, I plan to have more open discussions with my daughters. These conversations will evolve over time, guided by their curiosity and maturity. I take pride in my family and my daughters, and I look forward to the many Mother’s Days ahead.
For additional insights into fertility and home insemination, you may find this resource helpful: Medical News Today. If you’d like to learn more about at-home insemination options, check out Make a Mom. For further reading on this topic, refer to our post here: Home Insemination Kit.
Summary:
Determining when to tell your children about their DNA mom is a sensitive issue. As a mother, you may feel torn between wanting to honor the donor and maintaining your emotional connection with your children. Open conversations, guided by their age and curiosity, will help navigate this complex topic over time.