The “cry it out” method has never resonated with me. It simply does not align with my parenting philosophy or personal temperament. While I have friends who advocate for this approach and find success with it, my own family dynamics lead us to a different strategy.
Media Representation of Crying It Out
When discussing the “cry it out” method, it often seems underrepresented in media narratives. I recall watching the television show, Mad About You, during my college days, where Paul and Jamie faced the challenge of their crying baby. They sat outside her room, grappling with the decision to comfort her while she cried. At that moment, I found myself questioning their choices; why not go in and soothe their child? What harm could that possibly bring? At 22, I was unaware of the parenting journey ahead of me, but I was certain that I could not adopt such a method.
Our Family’s Sleep Dynamics
In my household, sleep looks a bit different. My children typically do not achieve uninterrupted sleep until around the age of two. Some nights, I find myself hosting one or all four of my children in bed with me. While sleepless nights are common, there are occasions when everyone but the baby sleeps soundly in their own beds.
Until my children reach 15 to 18 months, they co-sleep with me. At that stage, we transition them to a room with a sibling after night-weaning. During this process, I nurse the baby or toddler to sleep, and then my partner takes over, gradually sitting with the little one until they drift off. Initially, this can take hours. Over time, he reduces his presence until he can simply sing a lullaby, offer a kiss, and leave the room. This gentle approach can span up to two months, but it is effective for our family.
Questioning the Cry It Out Approach
Many people question my decision to avoid the “cry it out” approach. I firmly believe it is not conducive to a child’s emotional well-being. The formative years, especially the first two, are crucial for developing trust. If we isolate a child in a dark room with the expectation that they will “self-soothe,” what messages are we sending? How would we feel if placed in a similar situation? Imagine being left alone in a room, no matter how distressed you became, for an extended period.
While pregnant with my second child, I encountered an article by Althea Soltera titled “Crying for Comfort” in Mothering Magazine. She emphasized that consistent lack of responsiveness to a baby’s cries, even for brief moments, can have detrimental effects on their mental health. Infants left to cry alone may struggle to build trust or develop a sense of agency, potentially leading to long-term issues such as low self-esteem and anxiety. This method undermines the foundation of secure attachment that is fostered through prompt responses and emotional attunement during the first year.
Instincts and Parenting Commitment
Additionally, I believe there is a reason mothers find it difficult to hear their babies cry: it is instinctual to protect our young. The separation goes against our natural instincts.
Moreover, I view parenting as a 24/7 commitment, which includes nighttime care. While I understand the argument that a well-rested mother contributes to a happier household, I also recognize that parenting is about being present for my children. There will be a time when I can enjoy longer stretches of sleep; that moment just isn’t here yet. This is a realization I came to when I embarked on this parenting journey.
Facing the Temptation
I won’t deny that the temptation to “Ferberize” my children occasionally crosses my mind. The exhaustion can be overwhelming, and I sometimes yearn for one of those mythical babies who sleep through the night at six months. However, I am aware that adopting such a method comes with sacrifices that I am not willing to make.
Conclusion
In essence, I choose not to let my babies cry it out. I do not allow them to cry unnecessarily. While this may result in tired eyes for the next couple of years, I am confident that the benefits far outweigh the temporary struggles.
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Summary
The author shares a personal perspective on why they do not support the “cry it out” method for infant sleep, emphasizing the importance of responsiveness and emotional attunement in the first years of a child’s life. They detail their own approach, which involves co-sleeping and gentle transitions to independent sleep, reflecting a deep commitment to nurturing their children’s emotional well-being.