Recently, I received a message from an acquaintance I only know through social media. The subject line read, “I think I’m a terrible mother.” Concerned, I opened it promptly to read her thoughts.
Her email contained sentiments such as: “I love my children, but sometimes I struggle to like them. I feel miserable. My partner and I rarely connect. I attempt to teach my kids right from wrong; they behave well in public but are unruly at home. They lack manners and often tell me I’m the worst mom ever. I’ve tried various methods of reinforcement, yet nothing seems effective. I feel like a failure, convinced my children deserve a better mother and my husband a better wife. I worry that I’ve irreparably harmed my kids.”
Oh, is that all? If those feelings define an unfit mother, then we’re all unfit! Every single one of us!
I am absolutely not alone in having said, “You would never speak to your teacher like that! I am your mother! I care for you! You cannot speak to me in that way! You know better!” During my time as an educator, I frequently encountered parents who, after I praised their child, would respond with, “Well, you should see them at home!” or “Are we discussing the same child?”
Our common goal is to raise kind, responsible, compassionate individuals. We want our kids to become respectful members of society. When they achieve those qualities, parenting becomes more enjoyable, and we feel that we are fulfilling our responsibilities to the best of our abilities.
As parents, we cherish our creations. When children put effort into creating artwork, they eagerly showcase it to us, beaming with pride. When students earn high grades, they seek acknowledgment for their hard work. The same applies to professional projects; a job well done deserves recognition.
The most significant creation you will ever have is a child—especially for mothers who carried them within. They arrive perfect: innocent and flawless. However, reality soon sets in. The real challenge isn’t the pregnancy; it starts when your child enters the world. Your task is to guide and educate them, which can be exhausting. Despite your best efforts, you may not always succeed, and the longer you struggle, the harder it can be to correct course.
I often share photos of my children on social media, showcasing them engaged in positive activities like cooking, reading, and cooperating. Why? Because it feels rewarding when they demonstrate the lessons we’ve worked so hard to instill. It’s similar to a young child proudly presenting a drawing to their mother, seeking validation.
When you put effort into something and it yields positive results, it’s natural to want to share those moments—especially since they often represent only a fraction of our reality. The truth is, parenting can be chaotic, and many of us experience more challenging days than we’d like to admit.
For instance, during a recent family vacation, every child in our group experienced a meltdown while we were trying to leave for the beach. One child had sunscreen in her eyes, another couldn’t find his basketball, and yet another simply didn’t want to go. Amid the chaos, one child accidentally got her finger caught in the door. It was complete mayhem, far from a social media highlight.
My children know the difference between right and wrong. They understand that hitting is unacceptable. While they sometimes meet our expectations, other times, like during that vacation moment, I question my parenting abilities. These challenging moments occur more frequently than I’d care to admit.
Children will naturally test boundaries and assert their independence. During those times, it’s crucial to maintain composure and ride out the storm. There will be times when things calm down, and you will have more energy and patience to try new strategies. Until then, remember that your children are not permanently affected by these moments, and you are not an unfit mother.
The objective of parenting isn’t perfection. It’s not about crafting Pinterest-worthy projects or baking cookies for Instagram. Sometimes, the goal is merely to keep everyone safe and alive, and that doesn’t make you an unfit mother—it makes you a typical one.
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In summary, remember that parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, and feeling overwhelmed at times is completely normal. Embrace the chaos and know that you are doing the best you can.