As the leaves begin to turn and the air grows crisp, it’s a time of transition. Today, I find myself organizing a seasonal box, a clear plastic container that slides seamlessly into the top of my wardrobe. This wardrobe, along with its contents—scarves and sweaters that have finally emerged from their summer storage—reminds me of new beginnings. While I am a transplant from Los Angeles, New York City holds a special place in my heart, particularly during autumn, which evokes vivid memories of vibrant colors and the cinematic charm of this city.
For many, autumn symbolizes a return—a return to school, to familiar haunts, and to a wardrobe filled with cozy attire. This time of year has always held a sense of excitement for me, intertwined with feelings of nostalgia and a touch of homesickness. However, this autumn carries a different weight; it is not just a season of change but also one marked by personal challenges and reflections on life.
My mother has been battling dementia for several years, her condition a stark reminder of the fragility of life. It began with a stroke at the age of 68, leading to a descent into a world where memories fade and recognition slips away. As I navigate the complexities of her illness, I am filled with both sorrow and the desire to maintain our connection, even if it is now characterized by routine interactions rather than the deep conversations we once shared.
Simultaneously, I am embracing the joys of motherhood as my daughter approaches her third birthday. Parenting has its ups and downs, and I am experiencing the natural ebb and flow of equilibrium and disequilibrium in our relationship. My daughter, with her spirited energy, often reminds me of my own childhood and my mother’s stories of my youthful escapades. While I strive to foster a loving environment for her, I also grapple with the reality that my mother may never engage in the same way again.
Despite the challenges, I recognize the importance of celebrating the season. Autumn should not be overshadowed by the shadows of illness. It is a time for joy, a time to create new memories, and to pass on the traditions my mother cherished. I want my daughter to appreciate the beauty of this season, to revel in the festivities, and to understand what it means to find joy amidst the change.
I yearn for my mother to share in these experiences, to remember the simple pleasures, but I must focus on the present. Teaching my daughter to embrace what we have is crucial, and it is through our actions that we instill these values. As we navigate this autumn, I will ensure that we celebrate its arrival with warmth and light, honoring my mother’s love for the season while creating new memories with my daughter.
In moments of reflection, I remind myself that while my mother’s experiences may be limited now, the essence of autumn lives on through her spirit and through the joy we cultivate in our family. This season, I will share with my daughter the magic of autumn—the twinkling lights, the festive gatherings, and the memories that bind us together.
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In summary, autumn is a season of reflection and connection, a time to honor the past while embracing the present. As we move forward, we carry the memories of our loved ones with us, finding joy in the moments we create.