Updated: August 3, 2016
Originally Published: July 17, 2005
The moment my former partner revealed that our relationship was not what I had envisioned—and that his extracurricular activities were far from innocent—my immediate reaction was to shout. Following that outburst, I put on a facade of normalcy, determined to carry on as if everything was perfectly fine. Finally, I realized I needed to confront reality and consulted a legal expert.
As time passed, I began to reflect on my past relationships, recognizing how each one played a vital role in my personal development and ultimately guided me to the day my ex and I decided to part ways.
Stage One: The Fairytale Prince Stage
From the lessons imparted by Disney characters like Ariel, Belle, and Cinderella, I learned that if I embodied purity, sacrificed my voice, or had an affinity for animals, I was destined to attract a prince. This prince would profess his love within moments, kiss me shortly after, and propose before too long. In my childhood fantasies, unhappy endings simply did not exist, regardless of any tragic backstory. During playtime, there was always a swooning heroine (me) and a male counterpart—whether it was Ken, G.I. Joe, or my friend Sarah—who would rescue me while I donned sparkling shoes and a colorful wig. It seemed that achieving true love was a straightforward endeavor if I just played along.
Stage Two: The Anne of Green Gables Stage
As I matured, I sought guidance from novels like Anne of Green Gables and magazines such as Teen Bop and Seventeen. I strived to be quirky yet approachable, laughed at every joke (because being funny would surely attract attention!), and maintained correspondence with camp friends, scrutinizing every letter for hidden meanings. I engaged in indiscretions like sneaking beers and tolerating films I disliked, all in the name of fitting in. I meticulously crafted scenarios based on the scripts I had read, hoping to become the ideal partner, with no one teaching me how to discern if they were right for me.
Stage Three: The Mr. Big Stage
Eventually, my influences shifted from Disney to more contemporary narratives like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sex and the City. The guidelines suggested that by being quirky, stylish, and slightly aloof, I would attract my own version of a dreamy romance. However, the harsh reality was that characters like Carrie Bradshaw often made questionable choices, such as cheating on Aidan with Mr. Big. This phase shifted my perspective, leading me to believe that being “too nice” was sufficient grounds for a breakup. In hindsight, many of the men I loved during my twenties embodied traits reminiscent of Mr. Big. I shifted my focus from the charming princes of my youth to the intense, brooding figures who seemed to require my savior-like efforts. There is a certain appeal in being needed, after all.
Stage Four: The ‘And Then I Won My Bad Boy’ Stage
Then came the most tumultuous chapter: my ultimate Mr. Big, the embodiment of dark, desperate love, agreed to discuss “forever.” We all know how that story ends.
What I have come to understand is that these tumultuous men were exactly who they presented themselves to be. There were no hidden depths to uncover; they were simply not that interested in me. They enjoyed the devotion I offered, from doing their laundry to footing the bill for dinner.
Regrettably, the narratives guiding us have not evolved much over the past two decades. As a mother to young boys, I grapple with what to teach them. Should I encourage them to emulate the Prince or the Mr. Big? What examples should they look up to? I certainly don’t want them to believe that true love requires sacrificing one’s voice for superficial gains.
As I approach my late thirties, I don’t claim to have all the answers about love. However, I now recognize that qualities such as kindness, bravery, supportiveness, intelligence, and humor are what I find most appealing and worthy of love. These are the values I hope to instill in my sons. While dark and brooding may have had its moment, I now prefer to bask in the warmth of a brighter, more genuine existence.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of relationships has taught me invaluable lessons. Transitioning from the naive fantasies of childhood to the realistic expectations of adulthood has been essential for personal growth. Emphasizing the importance of character and genuine connection over superficial allure is vital, and I aim to guide my children towards healthy relationships in the future.