During a recent visit to my parents’ home, I discovered that my father had taken up residence in my sister’s former bedroom. Given our family’s tendency toward privacy and maintaining healthy boundaries, I couldn’t help but exclaim, “Oh my goodness, Mom—Dad is finally leaving you after 51 years! Who is she?!”
“He’s just been relocated,” my mom replied dryly. “Your father has decided he prefers the ‘Thunderstorm’ setting now.”
Her words spoke volumes; “Thunderstorm” was not a new entertainer at the local club, but rather a sleep sound setting. My family has long been devoted to sleep sound machines. In the 1970s, we relied on air conditioning units to lull us to sleep, and now we have an array of options like Hammacher Schlemmer, Brookstone, and HoMedics in every bedroom. While the brands may vary, we are steadfast in our loyalty to “white noise.” This is our standard. Even our infants were conditioned to sleep amidst the soothing sounds of an air purifier.
My father, who is beyond the age of a mid-life crisis, seemed to have committed an act of auditory betrayal with his sudden preference for “Thunderstorm.”
“Thunderstorm!” my mother reiterated. “Can you even imagine? Boom! Boom! Boom!”
Apologies to Eddie Rabbit, but my mother clearly does NOT enjoy a rainy night. While I suspected their marriage would endure, I began to question whether we were being too critical of my father. Were we overly attached to our established preferences? Is white noise always the ultimate solution? Could our adherence to these sound settings be indicative of something more profound?
With a spirit of scientific inquiry and fairness, I decided to explore alternative sound settings on my sleep machine for several nights. Here’s what I found:
THUNDERSTORM
Naturally, I had to start here. Yes, there was booming—excessive booming. All I needed was a strobe light to mimic lightning, and my room could have easily resembled the doomed Andrea Gail. Sorry, Dad, this one’s a no-go.
TRAIN
This setting exists and I initially feared it would just play “Drops of Jupiter” on a loop, but it turned out to be actual train sounds. Who enjoys this? All night, I imagined myself riding the rails with vagabonds intent on stealing my belongings. I slept with one eye open, clutching a harmonica.
OCEAN WAVES
Initially calming, but soon I found myself craving shrimp, prompting a Google search for the nearest Red Lobster. Did I just hear a seagull? Those birds can be quite aggressive when it comes to Cheddar Bay biscuits, and who could blame them?
STREAM
Is this setting popular among those who sleep on rubber sheets? I found myself getting up to use the restroom four times.
CITY
Similar to the “Train” setting, this was puzzling. After navigating Houston traffic all day, the last thing I wanted was to hear city sounds in my bedroom.
SUMMER NIGHTS
Two thoughts emerged: swarms of giant locusts assaulting my bed or John Travolta in a leather jacket. Both scenarios were equally alarming.
HEARTBEAT
Having read too much Edgar Allan Poe, this setting did not foster a restful atmosphere for me.
JUNGLE RHYTHM
While initially tranquil, the occasional howler monkey and the sense of impending danger from a lurking panther proved unsettling.
RAINFOREST
Similar to the “Jungle” setting but with added humidity and thoughts of giant spiders. Not to mention, the overpriced menu at Rainforest Cafe.
FIREPLACE
Can you feel the shag rug and the sultry breath of Barry White against your neck? Don’t ignore it, baby…oh yeah. But seriously, when was the last time you checked your smoke alarm batteries?
ZEN GARDEN
This setting made me anticipate the arrival of a masseuse, leading to some involuntary tension due to my fear of embarrassing flatulence during a massage.
After all this, I ultimately concluded that I am, indeed, a white noise person, and I am at peace with that. I’ll strive not to judge my father or others for their unconventional sleep preferences. I sincerely hope that my parents can navigate the “Thunderstorm” phase and find some common auditory ground.
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Summary: In this reflective piece, the author humorously explores the various sound settings on sleep machines, contrasting them with family dynamics and preferences. Through personal anecdotes and whimsical observations, the author concludes that white noise remains their preferred choice, while encouraging empathy towards differing sleep habits.