Updated: August 3, 2023
Originally Published: July 1, 2005
Recently, a humorous video titled “I’m Not Your Friend, Kid” gained popularity on social media. The content creator, Sarah Donovan, humorously argues that parents should avoid being friends with their children, as it may undermine their authority and parenting effectiveness. Although I chuckled at Donovan’s entertaining antics, I find her viewpoint somewhat limiting.
In my perspective, it is entirely feasible to maintain a friendship with your children while also instilling discipline and boundaries. While I do not claim to be an expert in parenting, I possess over ten years of experience, and I believe that cultivating a strong bond of trust and openness with my children is essential for teaching them critical life skills. Without that connection, it becomes increasingly challenging to communicate important lessons effectively.
Take, for instance, the effort to encourage my 9-year-old son, Ethan, to help out around the house. If left to his own devices, he would likely leave his socks strewn across the kitchen floor indefinitely. Without daily reminders, his cereal bowl would remain on the table until mold formed in it. His Pokémon cards would create a chaotic landscape in his room, making it difficult for him to navigate to his bed.
I recognized that I needed to change this situation. However, I won’t pretend to be a flawless parent who can achieve compliance through mere intimidation. Parenting can be chaotic, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. In my case, I discovered that open communication was the most effective approach.
This might sound unconventional, but after attempting various strategies—yelling, withholding privileges, and even begging—I found that talking to Ethan as if he were a friend produced the best results. The key was in how I approached the conversation. Instead of addressing the issue amidst the hustle of daily life, I chose to discuss it during our nightly chats, a time when we connect without distractions.
During these special moments, we share thoughts about school, friendships, and life in general. I also share some of my own reflections, maintaining appropriate boundaries while allowing him to see that I, too, am human.
On one such occasion, I spoke with Ethan about the importance of keeping our home organized, not as an authority figure, but as someone who cares about him. I explained how his habits affected the household and that part of my role as a parent is to help him become a responsible individual. To my delight, he seemed to understand. He expressed a desire to be a good person, and since then, he has made strides in cooperating.
While perfection is a distant goal, I now find that when I ask Ethan to tidy up, I’m met with willingness rather than resistance. Often, he might sigh and say, “Mom, I’m tired. Can’t you just do it?” But when I respond with “Sorry, buddy, I can’t,” he usually complies.
I want my children to respect and cooperate with me, but not out of fear or obligation. I want them to appreciate the values I aim to instill in them regarding responsibility and kindness. This is achievable through fostering trust and maintaining open communication—essentially, by being their friend.
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Summary
Establishing a friendship with your children can coexist with effective parenting. By fostering open communication and trust, parents can instill important values and encourage cooperation. This approach allows for a nurturing environment where children can grow into responsible individuals.