My partner and I are both headstrong firstborns, and like any couple, we occasionally have our differences. While we share the same core values, the daily grind can sometimes push us to our limits: stressing over bills, balancing time with extended family, negotiating personal space, navigating his shoes left in the hallway once again, or dealing with the mess I tend to leave in the shower drain—yes, it happens often.
Disagreements are not the highlight of our relationship, but they are an inevitable part of it. They allow us to understand each other’s perspectives better and give us the opportunity to express thoughts that we might otherwise keep bottled up. When arguments remain respectful, I believe they can be constructive, fostering growth and closeness.
However, the real challenge lies in the moments we find ourselves arguing in front of our children. It’s hard to find a parent who claims they “never” fight around their kids—let’s be real here.
Research indicates that children who witness intense arguments between their parents can experience higher levels of anxiety, depression, and aggression. Whenever I come across these studies, I can’t help but feel a sense of dread.
We don’t intentionally choose to have disagreements while our kids are bustling about the kitchen, searching for breakfast. Yet, in our moments of vulnerability, we can lose sight of our role as conscientious parents. It’s a harsh reminder that we’re all human, and nobody is perfect.
We are fully aware that our disagreements impact our three daughters, aged 14, 12, and 5. Not only do studies back this up, but our kids are also quite outspoken about their feelings. They often tell us how our arguments affect them, expressing that it saddens them or puts them in a bad mood. Their feedback serves as a reminder of our responsibilities—not to suppress disagreements entirely but to demonstrate how to argue constructively, find common ground, and reconcile afterward.
It’s not an ideal situation, but in some respects, our arguments in front of the kids hold us accountable—to them and to one another. While arguing in front of our children isn’t pleasant, fostering the belief that a healthy marriage is one devoid of conflict is equally unrealistic. We don’t want to model for our daughters that they should ignore their feelings or shy away from expressing themselves, even when it’s uncomfortable.
We aim to instill in them the skills to articulate their points, listen, empathize, and engage in conflicts without resorting to name-calling or harmful language. Most crucially, we want them to witness how we navigate our differences so they can learn to do the same.
This plan, however, is easier said than done when emotions run high. I know that framing these conflicts as teachable moments doesn’t justify arguing in front of our kids. One of the hardest sights for me is seeing the concern on my child’s face when she observes us bickering: wide eyes, an open mouth, and a look of worry.
Yet, pretending that my partner and I don’t have disagreements would be disingenuous. I refuse to raise children who believe that love is all about harmony or that they should avoid conflicts at all costs, even if it means stifling their own needs.
My children deserve relationships where they feel secure enough to voice their dissatisfaction, even if that leads to arguments. So, when my partner and I do find ourselves in a heated exchange over the kitchen counter, we make it a point to reconnect with our girls afterward. We assure them that adults who care about each other sometimes argue, clarify that our disagreements aren’t about them, and apologize for any distress we may have caused. Then, my partner playfully showers me with kisses while our older kids roll their eyes and our 5-year-old rushes in to join the fun.
Arguments are a part of life. What truly matters is how we handle them and reconcile, as that shapes both our marriage and our children’s understanding of relationships.
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In summary, while disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, how we navigate them in front of our children can teach them valuable lessons about conflict resolution and emotional honesty.