It was one of those “off days” again. My weight hadn’t really fluctuated, but my confidence felt like it had taken a nosedive. Standing in front of the mirror, I tugged at the hem of a new shirt, and before long, negative thoughts started to creep in.
Ugh. I look like a balloon about to pop.
As I tossed the tunic aside, I searched my closet for a cami that might be more flattering. Had this shirt shrunk? It was perfect when I bought it! Long enough to cover my hips but not so long it looked like a dress. But now?
I resemble the “before” shot in one of those weight loss infomercials.
I kept obsessing, shifting my body side to side, trying to find a flattering angle. Just then, my husband called up the stairs.
“Are you ready yet? The doctor’s appointment is in 30 minutes! You’ll be late!”
I pulled on my pants and took one last look in the mirror. Skinny jeans? Ha! At size 16, they hardly fit that description.
With a frustrated sigh, I slammed the closet door and hurried downstairs to grab my baby.
At the doctor’s office, a confident brunette entered the room. The pediatrician met my gaze, smiled, and began asking questions about my child. But I couldn’t help crossing my arms over my stomach or constantly adjusting my clothes. And as much as I hated to admit it, I envied Dr. Slim and Stylish for being… well, slim and stylish.
She tried to make small talk about warm weather and swimsuit shopping, but her cheerful demeanor was grating. Who actually enjoys shopping for swimsuits? Just give us the vaccine and let’s move on, Dr. Slim and Stylish.
After leaving her office, I called my best friend for lunch. Sensing my bad mood, she agreed to meet at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Time to drown my sorrows in a big bowl of queso.
As I munched on chips, I vented about my daughter’s annoying new pediatrician.
“I mean, who talks about bathing suits when your baby is getting shots, right? She was the worst! Time to find a new doctor. So irritating!”
My friend suddenly dropped her fork. “Listen, I need to be honest with you for a minute. Can you handle that?”
Her serious expression indicated I wouldn’t like what came next.
“Sure, what’s on your mind?”
“Okay. I know you’ve been complaining about your weight a lot lately. Yes, having a baby can change things, but hear me out: Your weight isn’t the issue. You’ve become… a bit petty. You’ve been mean.”
I immediately lost my appetite. If my best friend doesn’t love me, then Netflix will. I’m going to withdraw into my shell. A fat, happy hermit.
“Like that pediatrician,” she continued. “You ranted for ten minutes about how awful she was. It sounds like your only problem is that she’s skinny or cute, right? This isn’t like you. What’s really going on?”
She raised an eyebrow, waiting for a response.
“I just…” I hesitated. “I feel so… unattractive.”
There it was.
Her expression softened, but she wasn’t done. “Your weight gain isn’t making you unattractive, dear. It’s your attitude.”
I paid the bill, hugged her, and left the restaurant in tears. What could I say? It takes a true friend to drop a truth bomb like that.
Deep down, I knew she was right. The negative voice in my head never let up. It narrated my life and had taken over completely. The truth was that I didn’t hate beautiful doctors. I didn’t despise swimsuit season. I loved warm weather — after all, that’s why we moved to Florida!
So my real problem wasn’t an unhealthy body; it was a weary, unhappy heart.
How do I even begin to fix that?
Once home, I laid my baby down for a nap and found myself back in front of the closet mirror. I stripped off my clothes and kicked them aside. I stood there, examining the body I had scrutinized and criticized for so long.
Then I looked myself straight in the eye, and the tears flowed.
Why am I so cruel to myself?
For far too long, I put too much emphasis on my looks. As if beauty made me lovable. As if a thinner figure increased my worth as a person. I understood this logically, but emotionally, I had bought into so many lies.
You’re undesirable. Everyone judges you. Everyone’s looking at you. Everyone is disgusted by you.
Over time, the more my figure filled out, the smaller my confidence felt. There I stood — 40 pounds heavier but a mere shadow of my former self. I could shed all the weight in the world, but the self-hatred wouldn’t vanish with my dress size.
It was time to stop the self-loathing. No, it was time to start loving myself. Just the way I was. Right then. The “before” version of me. No exceptions.
I traced my fingers over the stretch marks on my round tummy. Mean Girl whispered something, but I told her to be quiet.
I’ve earned these stripes, dangit. And they’re beautiful.
Turning around, I ignored Mean Girl again and found kind words to say about my body.
Your skin is lovely. Your body is strong.
I examined my hips, the part I criticized most harshly.
You’ve given birth to two amazing souls. What a miracle you are!
A smile broke across my face, and I walked out of that closet for the first time with a spark in my eyes.
My journey toward self-acceptance began that hour, three months ago, when I realized that the ugliness I dreaded was never external. It was internal — a voice filled with criticism toward myself and others. Sure, the negative thoughts still creep in now and then, but they don’t carry the same weight. Insecurity can still rear its head, but I do my best to push it down.
I’ve found that the kinder I am to myself, the kinder I am to others.
I’ve lost a few inches since then, which is nice. But the most significant change? My heart is healing. I’ve learned to love “before picture” me unconditionally. By showing grace to myself and others, a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders.
Funny thing is, that was the first weight that truly needed to go.
For more insights on self-acceptance and wellness, check out this post on Cervical Insemination. If you’re exploring at-home insemination options, Make A Mom offers reputable kits for your journey. Additionally, Johns Hopkins’ Fertility Center is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination information.
Summary:
This article reflects on the author’s journey of self-acceptance after gaining weight and struggling with negative self-image. Through a candid conversation with a friend, she learns that her attitude, rather than her weight, is the root of her feelings of unattractiveness. By embracing her body and shifting her mindset, she begins the path toward healing her heart and fostering self-love.