Just a couple of days before a tragic shooting in Orlando, my partner was drawn into a heated conversation with her son’s father. It all started when he sent her a photo of their son, Lucas, proudly displaying a massive monster truck T-shirt, captioned, “This is how little boys should dress.” For the next hour, he rationalized Lucas’s misbehavior as “just a boy’s energy,” before accusing her of ruining their son’s childhood for allowing him to wear pink and be sensitive.
The topic of masculinity frequently arises in our home, largely because we both believe in letting kids explore their interests and identities freely. Lucas has a fondness for dolls and unicorns, and while he loves the color purple, he has a soft spot for pink too—he didn’t want pink to feel left out. He also adores dinosaurs and bow ties, enjoys painting his nails, and even built his own gumball machine because he wanted one.
At six years old, I’ve had the privilege of knowing Lucas for just over a year. During this time, I’ve watched him navigate a diagnosis of ADHD and grappling with anger. I’ve seen him lash out at those he perceives as threatening his mother, break down over a lost toy, and experience life with and without medication. Although I’m not Lucas’s father, I’ve come to understand him far better than his biological dad.
Since my partner and I began dating, she shared that Lucas’s father has completely rejected him for who he is, desperately attempting to mold him into a traditional man. This notion deeply disturbs me, both as a parent and a feminist. I cannot fathom pressuring a small child to hide parts of themselves, nor am I willing to subscribe to the idea that masculinity must conform to a rigid standard.
My own upbringing plays a role in my apprehension about parenting a boy. My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mother raised me largely on her own. While my father eventually became a stable presence in my life, he, like me, does not embody traditional masculinity. He excels in fixing things and working hard but expresses his love for cooking and caring for others, demonstrating that “manly” activities are not the only way to define masculinity.
Throughout my childhood, I learned that it’s not only acceptable for men to be emotional, but it’s also crucial to express love openly. Unfortunately, my stepfather represented traditional masculinity to an extreme, often stifling my emotions and expecting me to conform to outdated norms.
When I first learned I would become a father, I hoped for a daughter, believing I would relate better to a girl. However, I was blessed with twins, and my fears about connecting with a boy resurfaced when I met Lucas. I worried about how to communicate with him and what gifts to choose for him. I thought that because he was biologically male, I might never truly understand him.
Yet, my concerns were unfounded. Lucas and I share a bond that transcends gender. I’ve come to realize that parenting boys isn’t much different from parenting girls, as long as the focus is on nurturing good human beings rather than conforming to gender stereotypes.
The real challenge lies in Lucas’s father. While I could write pages about his failures as a parent, I’ll focus on his strict adherence to hypermasculinity. How can we affirm Lucas’s identity if his father continually encourages him to suppress his sensitivity? More importantly, what are the consequences for Lucas if he internalizes his father’s twisted version of masculinity?
Boys are not only susceptible to emotional and physical abuse in the name of masculinity; they are also at risk of stifling their empathetic instincts and learning to exert dominance over others. The shooting in Orlando underscores the dangers of conditioning young boys to equate masculinity with power and violence. It’s alarming how often this conditioning seems innocuous, as simple as dismissing a child’s tantrum as “just being a boy.” By doing this, we perpetuate the idea that violent behavior is inherently linked to masculinity.
This mentality is further reinforced on playgrounds and in classrooms, where boys often tease girls. When parents tell their daughters that such teasing is merely a sign of affection, we inadvertently teach our sons that verbally and physically aggressive behavior is acceptable, while instilling in our daughters that abuse can be a form of love.
When Lucas’s father tells him that boys shouldn’t be sensitive, or that acting out in anger is natural, he inadvertently creates an environment where Lucas learns to assert power over others and replaces empathy with toughness. As time passes, Lucas may feel he has only three choices: distance himself from his father and face disappointment, internalize his shame, or adapt to his father’s narrow view of masculinity, which is detrimental in every way.
I feel inadequate to counter the belief that men should dominate others. I’ve spent my life as a feminist, surrounded by friends who have educated me on the complexities of gender expression. My partner and I strive to create a home where our children can express themselves freely, without the constraints of traditional gender roles.
Despite our efforts, Lucas and his sister are already grappling with the pressures of societal expectations regarding masculinity and femininity. It’s disheartening to think that, despite our best intentions, they will likely feel the need to fit into the rigid gender roles society imposes.
We need to redefine masculinity and emphasize that boys can express themselves without exerting power over others. We must constantly communicate that masculinity does not equate to dominance, nor is it incompatible with empathy. As fathers, we must be visibly vulnerable, modeling emotional honesty so our sons can learn what true strength looks like.
It’s vital that we acknowledge the connection between toxic masculinity and the alarming rates of violence perpetrated by men. Teaching our sons to bury parts of themselves only leads to devastation.
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In summary, we must actively work to reshape our understanding of masculinity and raise our children—regardless of gender—to embrace their true selves without fear of judgment or repression.