I spent a significant part of my twenties embodying what I thought was the ideal of the “Cool Girl.” I’m not claiming I was genuinely cool—rather, I was desperate to shape myself into the version of a woman I believed would be most appealing to others, often at the expense of my own well-being and the connections I had with other women. I was dismissive of feminism, viewing it as a hindrance, and I found myself in a relentless competition with other women. It was all too easy to criticize them, especially in male company.
We’re all familiar with the archetype of the Cool Girl. She prides herself on having better rapport with men than with women and often brands herself as “one of the guys.” She avoids any “drama” yet has no qualms about joining men in their critiques of other women, whether individually or as a collective. When issues of violence against women arise, she’s the first to suggest that some women make false claims. The Cool Girl is perceived as someone who “gets it.” She doesn’t grumble about casual misogyny or sexist humor from her male peers, and she would rather avoid the label of “feminist” at all costs. She revels in traditionally male interests like sports, gaming, beer, and even casual sexual encounters.
While it’s true that many women genuinely enjoy these activities, the pressure to fit into this Cool Girl mold can be overwhelming, particularly in industries like sports media. Here, women are expected to be attractive yet low-maintenance, outspoken yet non-political, knowledgeable yet not intimidating to their male counterparts. The media landscape is filled with women adopting the Cool Girl persona, often as a means of career advancement or to simply navigate a challenging environment. Women who openly advocate for feminism and equality frequently find themselves less marketable, with one industry insider commenting, “No one wants a buzzkill on their TV.”
Even prominent figures, like seasoned college football reporters, feel this pressure. Jeannine Edwards faced scrutiny for speaking out against a colleague who referred to her as “Sweet Baby,” yet later found herself in a situation where she was questioned about why her team wasn’t seeing more women in bikinis during a Florida event.
My reflection on my own Cool Girl past intensified during the 2016 election when I observed many women aligning themselves with Donald Trump, despite the numerous allegations of sexual misconduct against him. It left me wondering: Why would women who have experienced harassment defend such a man? What drives them to abandon issues that affect all women? Canadian advocate Sarah Blake emphasizes that women are often socialized to compete against each other and that aligning with men can be viewed as a strategy for gaining respect and power.
Activist Mia Collins argues that the Cool Girl is not merely a phase for some women, but rather a symptom of a patriarchal system designed to pit women against one another. The rewards of conforming to this stereotype can be enticing, as I discovered during my Cool Girl phase. By ingratiating myself with men and distancing myself from women, I was subconsciously attempting to create a safety net for myself against the treatment I witnessed women endure.
However, the downside of being “one of the guys” is that men often express their opinions about women in brutally candid ways. I once sat with a group of men who dissected another woman’s appearance in such detail that it left a lasting impact on my self-image. They reduced her to mere physical attributes, and I remained silent during the entire conversation.
While I don’t take pride in my time as a Cool Girl, I can at least attribute it to youthful ignorance and a lack of feminist guidance. But what about the older women who fiercely criticized Hillary Clinton and the accusers of Trump during the campaign? They too seemed to seek approval by distancing themselves from the feminist movement, driven by internalized misogyny and a desire for power.
Mia Collins believes that the evolution of feminism is stunted by the acceptance of multiple interpretations, including those that support blatant sexism. “Solidarity among women should be a foundation of feminism,” she argues. Over time, I found that my Cool Girl persona only left me feeling trapped and unfulfilled. I eventually recognized that the inappropriate jokes I had tolerated for years were just a form of casual sexism that undermined my career. When I finally spoke up, I realized that men didn’t regard me any differently than any other woman.
The unfortunate truth is that many women only experience this realization after facing their own moments of betrayal within patriarchal structures. They may align themselves with men who ultimately let them down, leading to a painful awakening about their misplaced trust. The allure of proximity to power can be a dangerous trap, one that many women don’t recognize until it’s too late.
Now, as someone who has moved on from that phase, I advocate for feminism and equality. When I see younger women online disparaging feminism while supporting the patriarchy, I’m grateful that social media wasn’t around to document my own misguided views. Still, I worry about the deeply ingrained internalized misogyny that may prevent some of these young women from evolving.
However, Sarah Blake remains hopeful that women of all ages can change their perspectives. She believes that highlighting systemic issues such as sexism and racism can encourage a broader understanding of the challenges we face as a society. It’s essential to remember that social movements are not about labeling individuals as victims but rather about addressing the systems that uphold inequality.
In summary, the Cool Girl mentality can be a deceptive and harmful persona that ultimately undermines both individual women and the collective struggle for equality. It’s crucial to recognize the societal pressures that shape this ideal and to work towards a more supportive environment for all women. For further insights, you can explore our other blog post on the dangers of such ideals here. If you’re considering at-home insemination, this resource offers reputable options for insemination kits. Additionally, check out this excellent resource for more information on pregnancy and home insemination.