As a parent, I often find myself grappling with the realization that I might be placing too many expectations on my neurotypical child. I witness it in the small moments—when he rises to meet our demands and accepts less than he deserves to help our family navigate through tough times. Those big, expressive eyes of his reflect a gentle sadness, hinting at the challenges he faces that I cannot shield him from.
It’s a daily struggle. My oldest son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder when my youngest was just a baby—only 11 months old. Yet, the high expectations we have for our typical son began long before that diagnosis.
Our eldest son has always required a lot of our time and energy. He needs constant guidance and redirection, often demanding more patience than we feel we can muster. Each day, we practice deep breaths and search for the patience that seems to dwindle. He needs our unconditional love, which means creating an environment where he feels safe and comfortable. This requires time and effort, as we meticulously arrange our lives to meet his needs, often starting from scratch when things go awry.
In our quest to support our child with autism, we sometimes overlook the needs of our typical son. He too craves love, guidance, joy, and a sense of safety. Living in a home that isn’t always calm, he witnesses the chaos that can unfold—his brother throwing things, slamming doors, and expressing emotions in ways that can be overwhelming. He sees us pick up the pieces and sometimes hears the heart-wrenching cries that come from his older brother, full of anger or sadness.
During these tumultuous moments, I make it a point to hold my youngest son close and try to explain the world around him. I talk to him about his special brother, emphasizing that everyone has unique needs and that love should always prevail. I remind him daily of the deep bond they share, reinforcing that amid the chaos, love is the constant that holds us together.
I know there will come a day when I will sit down with my youngest and have an open conversation about autism. He will have questions, like why his brother always gets the green plate or why we have to leave activities he enjoys. I will provide him with the answers he deserves, explaining the nuances of our family dynamics.
The truth is, I do expect a lot from my neurotypical son. I ask him to be patient, brave, and kind—sometimes more than a child his age should have to be. Yet, he never ceases to amaze me with the depth of his heart. I see how he loves his brother unconditionally, how he recovers from moments of being pushed, and how, in an instant, he leans into his brother for comfort.
Yes, I may ask too much of my youngest, but he willingly gives it. His love for his brother, autism and all, is a beautiful testament to the purest form of sibling love.
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In summary, the journey of parenting neurotypical and ASD children is filled with challenges and triumphs. It requires a delicate balance of understanding, love, and open communication that fosters growth and connection among siblings.