“Your baby needs to learn a lesson!”
Why is it that so many people think they have the answers when it comes to raising my child? Sure, I might not be the perfect parent, but I trust my maternal instincts. Most of the time, they guide me in the right direction. Yet, it seems like much of the parenting advice out there contradicts what we instinctively feel. Is it just me? (As a quick aside, my instincts didn’t warn me not to take a bath with a baby who had the stomach flu. Where was that advice when I needed it?)
My biggest frustration lately is with the notion of “teaching my baby a lesson.” My little one is just 10 months old—he’s a baby! Babies don’t require lessons on anything. Unless you’re teaching them how to operate a coffee maker or pop open a bottle of wine, they simply need to grow, develop, and explore. They need love, not lessons on life.
Recently, we hit the separation anxiety phase, and it hit us hard. Just when I thought I had a handle on this parenting gig, my son started crying at the mere sight of the door. It’s exhausting. I feel over-touched and completely drained. At his nine-month check-up, our pediatrician confirmed he was healthy and on track developmentally. I felt a swell of pride as she asked, “Is he crawling?” Check. “Is he pulling up?” Check.
Then came the dreaded question: “Is he sleeping through the night?” My eyes widened. I explained that while he often stays asleep once he finally falls asleep, getting him to that point can be a lengthy process. Before I could finish, she interjected, “You need to let him cry it out.”
I asked if she had any gentler methods. Her response? “Have you tried letting him cry it out?” I admitted we had, out of sheer desperation. When we did, the crying lasted fifty-eight minutes, and it was devastating to watch. I returned to a sweaty, terrified little boy, and I vowed never to do that again.
She then suggested we try again the next night, but how could I clarify my feelings any more strongly? “No, we didn’t. It was torture for everyone.”
Things took a turn for the worse when she said, “Well, he won. You need to teach him you’re not coming back. You can’t let him win.” Did she really just say that my child needs to learn that I won’t return when he cries? My priority is to teach him that I will always come back for him.
I shared research indicating that leaving babies to cry can lead to increased cortisol levels and could impact their brain development over time. She shrugged it off, saying, “He won’t remember it when he’s older.”
But how does that make it okay? Just because someone won’t remember something, it’s acceptable to do it? Look at our society—justifying harmful actions based on whether someone will remember is never right. Right now, my baby is in a stage where he won’t remember much, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t care for him.
Fast forward to yesterday, and there we were again—separation anxiety at its peak. I had to leave him to get some work done. Usually, he plays well with others, but not yesterday. His cries echoed as I walked out the door. I knew he was distressed, and my heart ached as I watched the clock tick. When I returned, he was in full meltdown mode, refusing food and bottles. He was exhausted and scared.
While I can’t change the necessity of leaving him occasionally, I can work to shift how others perceive this anxiety.
- “He needs to learn to be alone.”
- “It’s good for him to cry. Babies cry.”
- “You’ve spoiled him.”
- “You can’t pick him up every time he cries.”
- “Self-soothe.”
- “He’ll be too attached.”
- “He won’t know how to play with others when he’s older.”
This separation anxiety often begins as babies learn to walk, a biologically appropriate response. It’s nature’s way of keeping them close to their caregivers. It’s exhausting for parents, especially mothers, but it’s a necessary phase of development.
If you’re experiencing this, realize that it’s not your fault. We need to stop letting others dictate our parenting choices or make us feel inadequate. You are the mom, and you know what’s best for your child. Don’t ignore those instincts.
Consider how you would handle an older child afraid of the dark—locking them in a dark room and letting them scream isn’t an option. Instead, you’d provide comfort, perhaps a nightlight, and gradually help them face their fears. They will outgrow it.
I have a fear of snakes, but no one is trying to force one into my hands to “help me get over it.” The best way to guide our babies through this challenging time is to teach them that we are there for them. They should know that they can rely on us. When they feel secure in our love, they will slowly gain confidence in themselves.
We need to stop trying to “teach them a lesson” and listen to our instincts as mothers. You’ve got this, Mama.
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Summary:
This article emphasizes the importance of trusting maternal instincts when dealing with baby anxiety and the misconceptions surrounding “self-soothing.” Parents should focus on providing comfort and security rather than enforcing outdated practices that can harm their child’s emotional development.